around the bathroom: perfume, hair mousse and her pink razor.’
‘She could just be a friend.’ Jess tuts. ‘You’re always so paranoid.’
‘Yeah that’s what I thought, until he suddenly says, “Just a minute, babe,” to me, then I hear him shout, “I’ll be out in a mo, just finding you a surprise; make sure you’re ready for me”.’
‘Okay … that is kind of weird, but maybe it was some kind of joke. I can ask him about it at work.’
‘I wouldn’t do that,’ I say quickly. ‘I would have thought it was a joke too, but then he adds, “Make sure you wear the black and red thong. Benny’s getting down and dirty tonight”.’
For once, Jess is completely silent at the other end of the line. ‘What?’ she says after a moment.
‘Yeah quite.’ I start giggling. I really can’t help it.
‘Benny?’
‘Yep, Benny!’ This time we both dissolve into laughter.
‘What did you say? Did he get back on the phone to you?’ splutters Jess.
I can barely answer – I’m nearly crying with laughter. ‘Yep, he came back on, and he must have taken one look at my expression – you know I can never hide what I’m feeling.’
‘No, you can’t. I can always read you like a book.’
‘And he went, “You just heard that, didn’t you?” I just said, “Maybe next time you should make sure you’ve pressed mute before you call out your sex plans to your girlfriend in front of another girl you’re trying to chat up”.’
Jess chuckles. ‘Oh my, I am not going to let him live this down at work. Benny. What a complete moron.’
‘I’m good at finding those.’
‘I found this one for you,’ Jess admits. ‘I am so sorry.’
‘Maybe just give up the whole matchmaking thing?’ I ask, seeing my opportunity and seizing it with both hands.
‘Okay I will.’
Thank goodness, at least the message is finally getting through.
‘Although there’s Ollie – he’s a mate of Zach’s. He’s really nice, and he’s coming to the wedding. It would be really nice for you to have a virtual wedding date on the day.’
Oh, for goodness’ sake.
Chapter 12
Jack
Nothing feels right today at all. Worse than that, it all feels completely wrong. Even the arrival of a new shaver in the post doesn’t cheer me up. Having carried out the usual rigmarole of opening the parcel with gloves and using disinfectant wipes on the shaver (let’s hope it still works in spite of this), I’m ready to rumble. I’ve given up with watching YouTube. Today I’m going to wing it. After all, it’s only hair and it surely it can’t look any worse than it already does.
Without further ado, I trim across the shaggy offending part of my hair and soon it looks reasonably similar to the other side. Sort of. Near enough, anyway. It doesn’t matter in any case. No one’s going to see it.
Dua Lipa bursts out on my phone. I’m going to have to change that ring tone – it’s getting on my nerves now. It’s Sam.
‘Hi, mate, you all right?’
‘Yeah,’ I grunt.
‘Oh my, you’re like Austin Powers when his mojo gets stolen by Dr Evil.’
‘Ha blimmin’ ha.’
‘Seriously, what’s up? Your hair does look better by the way, not half so scary. The shaver turned up then?’
‘Yeah it did, thanks. I’m sorry I don’t mean to be grouchy. I just feel a bit crap today.’
‘We all get off days. You need to speak to your favourite niece.’ He gets up and reaches over to the pink lacy crib I can see in the background and lifts out little Carrie, looking rosy and snug in a fluffy pink rabbit romper suit.
‘It fits then?’ I ask.
‘Yeah she loves it. You have surprisingly good taste considering you don’t know any kids.’
‘Hello, Carrie,’ I say. ‘Is your daddy being rude about Uncle Jack?’
She is an alert little baby. Her slate, bluey-grey eyes peer at the phone with surprising intensity. ‘Wow, she is so with it,’ I say.
‘Of course, she’s just like her mummy; nothing gets past her. Anyway come on, out with it, what’s up?’
‘It’s Sophia,’ I say, surprising myself because I haven’t been able to admit even to myself exactly why I’m feeling so fed up.
‘Who?’ He wipes up some dribble from the corner or Carrie’s mouth with a pink cloth. Everything is pink in his house at the moment. ‘Oh, the girl downstairs.’
‘Yes, that’s the one.’
‘But you haven’t even met; you can’t be stressing about her surely? I thought you had forsworn all women in any case, after the last