Love at the Little Wedding Shop by the Sea - Jane Linfoot Page 0,131
and I swallow it away. All the more reason to show him I’m completely unscathed. That’s how I finally know what I’m feeling for him is love – because my overriding feeling, all I want, is for him to be okay. And my mind is racing. To think there was once a time I fleetingly imagined he might help me move on. Although again, this kind of explains what I was picking up on, thinking it at all. And back then, I knew I had to steer well clear because I couldn’t face bumping into him afterwards. But suddenly he’s taken that out of the equation.
He’s frowning again. ‘I know I persuaded you to have fun rather than keeping our distance. That was a bad call on my part, so I’m sorry for that too.’
I give him a hard stare. This is so screwed up, I need to take it a little bit further. ‘You were playing a very dangerous game there.’ I’m not going to mention the bit about making out for Phoebe’s benefit, because that was such a good call on his part and such a help to me. But the rest … I have to ask. ‘What if I’d fallen for you?’
His face pales. ‘Seriously, look at me. There was never any chance of that.’ There’s another long pause. ‘But when you really love someone, all you want is to do the best for them. All along all I wanted was to help you to believe in yourself again, to get you to realise your worth, to see how wonderful you are. I want you to have the future you dreamed of, even if it kills me to think I can’t be part of it. But, believe me, you deserve someone so much better than me.’
In my head, I’m playing Russian roulette. Either way, I’m going to get the bullet. That Nic’s going is certain; nobody’s going to talk him out of it. I can let him go and always regret it. Or I can snatch one more kiss before I wave him goodbye forever.
But even as I stare up at the anguish in his face, I know I could never manipulate him like that. As I let out a sigh, it’s for everything that didn’t go our way. But more, it’s for this lovely, selfless, deserving human who works so hard for everyone else, who will never feel it’s okay to be in love. And how hopeless I have been at changing that. I’ve let him help to rebuild me. And sure, I’ve helped him with Pixie’s wedding, but on a personal level I’ve done nothing to help him at all. Unless you count causing him to run to the other side of the world. As I look up at the shadows on the face of this guy who despises himself too much to ever accept he’s worthy of being loved, my heart is breaking for him.
I clear my throat. ‘It’s ironic. Everything we’ve done together these last few months has allowed me to heal. Even better than that, I’ve become a whole new version of myself. I’m not that old scaredy-cat I used to be. I don’t want to hide. I don’t feel worse than everyone else anymore. I can hold my head up. I’m happy to be me.’ It’s not lost on me that a lot of that has happened with his support.
He reaches out and brushes the hair off my face. ‘Of everyone I know, you’re the one who most deserves to be happy.’
I step towards him, and slide my hand over his cheek. My main job here is to reassure him I’m okay. ‘That’s the funny thing – I’m actually fine as I am, I don’t need any more than I have now – but thank you for helping me. I’m just really sad the last few months haven’t done the same for you.’
His laugh is hollow. ‘I’m too far gone to save.’
He might be right, but I have one chance here to open his mind. ‘You’ve been so busy working on your escape plan, I think you’ve missed the bigger picture.’ It looks like this is down to me, so I brace myself. ‘You do know Pixie hoped that planning the wedding would cure you?’
His voice rises in protest. ‘You are joking? This isn’t something I’ll get better from.’
However hard it will be for him to hear, it’s time he knew the truth. ‘You’ve got her accident on your conscience, why