Look - Zan Romanoff Page 0,53

minute before she says, “Can I ask you a question?”

“Okay.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Sure of what?”

“Yourself.”

Cass throws her head back and laughs. “I am not,” she says, “sure of anything.” She runs a hand through her hair so that her curls rise and then fall again, a shower of sparks around her face.

“It’s just that Ryan said something last night about, like, experimenting,” Lulu continues. “And I—I hate that word. I hate that idea, but isn’t that what I’m doing? Using other people to figure myself out?”

If Cass can hear the warning threaded, desperate, through Lulu’s voice, she doesn’t let on.

“That has nothing to do with being bisexual, I don’t think,” Cass says. “Or whatever word you choose. That’s just . . . being a person. Right?”

Lulu feels like she’s going to snap in half. She doesn’t know how much of Cass’s kindness she can bear. “Are you this nice to everyone?” she asks.

“No,” Cass says. “No. I am pretty much only this nice to you.”

Breath moves through Lulu’s lungs: in, and then out again. “I’m glad—” she starts, but there’s no end to the sentence she can possibly say out loud. “I’m glad,” she says again. “I’m— Never mind.”

“Are you glad we’re friends?” Cass asks.

“Sure,” Lulu says. “Of course.”

“I—” Cass stops too.

Lulu would swear the air in this room is different from any air in any room she’s ever been in before. It feels too thin, too shaky, like there’s nothing at all that could possibly stop her from reaching out and touching Cass. There’s nothing between them except her own hesitation.

And the possibility that Cass will say no.

But Lulu can’t wait any longer. She’s run out of questions and she’s run out of answers. She’s run out of everything but this desire, which doesn’t seem to have an end.

Lulu comes and sits next to Cass on the bed.

Cass sits up.

Lulu isn’t sure which of them leans in first, or faster. All she knows is that one minute she’s not kissing Cass. And then, she is.

All she can think is: It feels like I’m falling apart. She’s been holding herself together against this particular temptation so carefully for so long that letting go of it is like letting go of everything, every cell in her body suddenly floating weightless and free. She expected it to feel violent or terrifying, but instead it’s like the world goes soft around her too.

Lulu stops thinking about what she looks like, what it feels like to Cass when Cass touches her stomach and it’s folded slightly because she’s sitting down. All she feels is the pressure of a hand where she wants it. All she knows is twisting her fingers in the tangles of Cass’s bright, impossible hair and kissing her like she’s been wanting to since the minute they met.

Cass’s hands are nervous, birds’ wings fluttering against Lulu’s face, her arms, her stomach, her back. Lulu tries to lean into her touch, but as soon as she finds it, it’s gone again. She wants to say something, but that would mean having to stop.

Instead, she starts to press Cass back against the sheets.

Cass’s breath hitches. She stills. “Oh,” she says. “Like this?”

“Like that,” Lulu says. “If you want to.”

“I do,” Cass says. “I want you to.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

NAOMI IS PUTTING away groceries when Lulu gets home, so she pokes her head into the kitchen and says, “Hey. I’m back.”

“Cool,” Naomi says. “Mom’s still out.” She shuts the fridge and turns around to look at Lulu properly. Then she smirks. “Also,” she says. “Your shirt is on backward.”

“Oh. Haha. Weird?” Lulu wills her hands to stay at her sides, not to betray her by reaching up to smooth her tangled hair or touch her swollen mouth. She can feel the ghost of Cass’s touch all over her. When she was leaving the house, she liked the idea of someone seeing it on her right away: just how wild she feels right now.

She just didn’t think through who that someone would specifically be.

“Please,” Naomi says. “I know you think I’m a prude, but you don’t actually think I’m a virgin, do you?”

Lulu blanches at her sister saying virgin. Yech.

“So who’s the rebound dude?”

“It’s not—” Lulu’s mind does a series of calculations. Naomi saw the Sloane Flash. She asked to know things. It’s good to start practice talking about this if—if. Most of all, right now, it feels too fresh to lie about. Like Cass would know somehow, like she would sense Lulu lying, and