see if you need, like, emotional support or anything, but I just don't. And even me feeling pissed at myself about it isn't enough to make me stop. Do you ever do that? I might not feel like such a bitch if you do."
Gah. What Rachel wanted to do was deny the hell out of that statement. Instead, she ran her thumb over the screen of her phone, still seeing her conversation with Tate all laid out. And right along with it was the nagging guilt that she hadn't been able to shake even for a second since she told him no. Even knowing that he had the best of intentions for inviting her. But she found herself nodding, not able to admit it out loud.
Instead of replying, Kate nodded in return. The sound of Rachel's music still came through the headphones that were lying on her bed, and the tinny, far-removed sound of Oh Holy Night filled the room. Without asking, Rachel knew that nothing was going on tonight. No big family dinner, no presents to be opened. Christmas Eve was typically Chinese takeout and A Christmas Story on TV. And here she sat, in pajamas, in her room, working. Something in her cracked, just a little.
"I'm a really, terribly, awful person." Except ... wait ... she just said that out loud. And the shock that registered on Kate's face is what told her that the thought hadn't stayed safely in her head like she'd planned on, it had come right on out, subconsciously and completely unfiltered.
"Well, I'm that way too, it doesn't make us terrible."
Rachel shook her head, standing off the bed and pacing the short distance of her room. There wasn't much space to walk around anymore. Any baby stuff that her mom purchased was slowly taking over the corner next to her dresser. Sure, she could've moved it to Tate's by now to make things easier, but she hadn't. Because she was a raging bitch who was avoiding him other than when she had a doctor appointment. She pushed a shaking hand into her hair and dug her nails into her scalp, needing that quick bite of pain to center her thoughts. And still, Kate sat quietly on Rachel's bed, watching with a brow crinkled in clear confusion, and maybe a little concern.
"I, uh," Rachel started and then pivoted to face the wall, not even wanting to meet her sister's eyes. "The Steadmans always do their family Christmas on Christmas Eve, and Tate invited me, because he said I was part of the family now."
"Okaaaaaay."
"I said no," Rachel said on a rush. "And I had no reason to, other than I felt like I shouldn't, you know?"
Kate tilted her head. "You afraid you're going to defile him under the Christmas tree or something?"
"Kate."
"What?" Her sister shrugged unapologetically, then gestured somewhere towards Rachel's bump. "It's a justifiable concern." When Rachel just stared, Kate rolled her eyes. "Okay, fine. We're in serious mode. Listen, if the only reason you're not going is because you're doing the stubborn thing, then yeah, you're being stupid. Is that what you want me to say?"
Of course that was what she wanted Kate to say. Because that 'stubborn thing' was its own living, breathing, powerful entity that she'd battled against her entire life. And to hear someone else describe that knowledge, the willful decision to let the stubbornness win? It wasn't pretty. In fact, it went down like a bitter, chalky pill. Rachel let out a hard breath and turned to her closet, not even really seeing anything in front of her.
"Well?" she asked to Kate over her shoulder. "Are you going to help me find something to wear or not? I sure as hell can't go in these pajamas."
Chapter Twenty-Two
Tate stretched his mouth in a smile, hoping it did a credible job of looking authentic. As much as he felt like retreating to his quiet, unoccupied house and brooding, he knew that being at his parents' house was a better idea. It was easier to get distracted here, with his five nephews whooping and hollering and making a general mess of every room that they stepped into.
"Rachel couldn't come?" his sister in law Jen asked, after giving him a tight hug. He tried to keep the sigh in, he really did, but obviously he failed given the pity that filled her bright green eyes. So he didn't even answer, just wished her a merry Christmas and moved into the kitchen after she