after all that, when I was out here, I was so lonely that I’d wake up crying. Wanting him, wanting to go back home, and crying like a baby in day care. I didn’t want to be with anybody else, wanted to be healed and whole. I’d close my eyes, bring Claudio’s face to my mind, and touch myself and squirm and feel good and be mad while tears rolled from my face to my pillow.
That first time that I spent the night with Vince, when he slipped inside my body wearing condoms left over from that New York relationship, Claudio whispered his way into my mind. His name was on the tip of my tongue while I held Vince and moan-gasmed. Thank God I was saying “Oooh baby” instead of calling out a name.
Something that Vince will never, ever know.
Thinking about that, remembering that moment, made me ache.
That was then, six months ago.
Now palm trees and an ocean breeze lived outside my window. I didn’t feel like having a conversation that would cause me another good morning heartache, and I didn’t want to just up and diss my old friend, so I did a switch-eroo with the subject. “You still slaving at Random House?”
“Yep. But I’m about to bounce to a bigger pot of cabbage.”
“Where you going?”
“To Penguin. I’m bumping my head against a low glass ceiling. You know how the corporate game goes. You leave to get respect, show them how capable you are, then they bend over and beg you to come back.”
“Just like in relationships.”
“There you go.”
“Tell me I’m lying. Niggas don’t respect you until you step off.”
My paranoia went down a notch. A little a.m. conversation wasn’t gonna kill me, and we drifted into chitchat mode. I’d been working hard getting educated in this real estate game, and she’d been playing like there was no tomorrow. She let me know that Freaknic was weak this year, then told me she’d gone to the Essence Fest.
Ten minutes of gossip, my eyes moving on the clock.
Then came the real reason she had hunted me down. This was a search and recovery mission. Every time I’ve broken up with Claudio, somebody in his family has called and tried to put some glue on that shattered vase.
She said, “Claudio is missing you like crazy.”
I was in front of my mirror, taking off my short cotton Tweety Bird pj’s, getting ready to hit the shower. Diet and exercise, living where I could work out year-round has been too good to be true.
I told Renee, “Don’t waste your ten cents a minute.”
“I was just saying. He misses you, that’s all I was saying.”
“No, you were recruiting. I’m seeing somebody.”
Naked in front of a mirror that was getting pretty steamed up, I peeped at my backside and thought of how Vince always called me En Vogue. That made me smile on the inside and let out a soft laugh. Somehow I doubt if Terry, Cindy, or Maxine have pimples on their butts.
“So, how long you been with this new boo?”
“Long enough.”
She stalled, then bounced back with “I’m so happy for you.”
“Stop lying.”
“What makes you think I’m lying.”
“You hesitated and didn’t squeal.”
She went right back to talking about Claudio, told me that he was promoting comics and was out in Dallas and St. Louis, then was heading to Atlanta to meet up with Chris Tucker and a few other comics.
She told me, “He’ll be in L.A. soon. Supposed to be out there for a while.”
No reply from me, not a single breath was taken.
She sounded hurt. “Dana, he’s doing good. I’m telling you, you should call ’im, get back in the groove, because he’s gonna blow up.”
“Remind him about how much money he owes me when he does.”
“Dana, give him a call. His number is 674—”
“Didn’t you hear me say I’ve met somebody and I’m happy?”
“You didn’t say nothing about being happy.”
Jealousy mixed with my curiosity, and I asked, “What happened to Tia?”
“Hell if I know. After you got out of jail—”
“Wrong way up a one-way street. I don’t want to hear all of that.”
“Sorry, didn’t mean to upset you,” Renee responded softly. Then she perked up. “So, this guy you seeing, is he cute?”
“Yep. And not afraid of commitment.”
“You sure he’s heterosexual?”
We laughed, my chuckle faker than Diana Ross’s hair. My light brown eyes were on the red glow from the digital clock.
She said, “You’re moving too fast.”
“Yep. This wound has been cauterized. My life is fantastic.”
I didn’t tell her anything I