I would find her attacker. And I had. I’d told her then that she was safe. That nothing like this was ever going to happen to her again.
She’d obviously believed me, moved here to Nowra, set up this beautiful home, lived in some semblance of the peace and happiness she’d known before her ordeal.
But I’d been wrong.
Because of me, she’d once again known the horror of a man’s hand clasping her wrist, dragging her down. She’d once again fought in vain as he tore at her clothes. I found myself crouching in the corner of her kitchen, gripping my skull, trying to drive out the images. My brain pounded with the terrible truth.
This happened because of me.
Because of me. Because of me. Because of me.
When Regan called, I answered immediately. But I couldn’t speak.
“She told me some things about you,” he said.
I gripped the phone, shaking, my eyes wide in the dark kitchen.
“She said you’d been fierce.” Regan’s voice was soft. Almost apologetic. “That’s a good word for you, I think. Fierce. Bonnie told me that almost as soon as she met you, Harry, she felt like she was going to be taken care of. That meeting you was like taking an outstretched hand. You rescued her from the fear.”
“You bastard,” I managed. My voice was weak. “You…evil…bastard.”
“I told her that I’d chosen her because she was one of your cases,” Regan said. “So she knew, at the end, that what I did was all because of you.”
I couldn’t breathe. All I could do was hold on to the phone.
“I’m not trying to torture you,” Regan said. “I’m trying to unravel you. Do you understand?”
I bit my lips.
“Harry, you being a cop—it doesn’t mean anything.”
“Yes, it does,” I breathed.
“Liar,” Regan said. “Listen to yourself. You’re lying. Deep down, you know it. Being a cop is just a protective layer of bullshit you wrap around yourself. When I killed Bonnie, I undid all your good work on her case. I destroyed one person’s positive memories of you. They’re gone now. It was that easy to erase the goodness you’d done in the world, Harry.”
Outside, one of the patrol officers was making another round. I didn’t know if he’d notice my presence. In the moment, I didn’t care. I almost wanted to be discovered. To give up, to be taken away from the awful voice on the phone.
“If I wanted to, I could go on and on undoing all your hard work as a police officer, Harry,” Regan said. “One at a time, I could cross off every woman, man, and child you’d acted the hero for. And then where would you be, without your shiny badge and your big gun? Without the gratitude of your case victims?”
“I—”
“What Sam did for me,” Regan whispered, “is he got me thrown in prison.”
“He what?”
“I was angry at first. But in there, I was stripped of all my bullshit layers. All the lies fell away. I was exposed, bare bones. I found out what’s inside me, Harry. What’s at my core. It sounds bad, but actually it was incredibly freeing. It was wonderful. I realized what Sam did to me was one of the greatest, most loving gifts he could ever have given. He released the real me, the one that had always been there. I’ve always been bad. Bad at the core. And every time I was beaten in prison, every time someone abused me, stomped on me, spat on me, used me for their perverted games, another layer came off.”
I held tight to the phone.
“When I left prison, I was raw. Real. Reborn. It was a beautiful thing. I was so grateful. I thought the only way I could pay Sam back would be to do the same for him,” Regan said. “I took his perfect little life. Sam had as many lies wrapped around him as you do. He was all bundled up in them. You should have seen him walking around the university campus. Mr. Design Professor. I wanted to take his pride. I wanted to strip away his friends, his colleagues, his stupid little apartment. Show him how free he could be. Give him back the gift.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting to hear every last word but unable to bear much more.
“The process had just begun,” Regan said. “I wanted to take everything from Sam. I’d never planned for him to be arrested. He was going to join me on a journey, an unraveling. I had a girl waiting