life fell apart, love. Lilah left. Delaney got sick and passed. Gram got sick and passed. All I had were the guys. I should have gone to Aaron but he was living his perfect life. We only got close again when his parents divorced. You were the only thing I had for a little while, but…”
“You pushed me away," I said.
“I saved you, Amelia.”
“Saved me. You broke my heart that night. I went home to my mother bleeding on the floor. She was drunk. I was destroyed. And now I know you were running off to someone else.”
Josh stood in silence, only confirming everything I was thinking and saying.
I suddenly felt sick.
I rushed to the kitchen and leaned over the sink.
One thing I had mastered was pulling my hair back, so it didn’t get any vomit in it.
My cheeks burned hot as I had never thrown up in front of Josh before.
He came to my side.
His hand touched my back.
I shook him away and reached for the paper towels.
“Don't worry," I said, “this happens all the time. It’s not just in the morning. But I think this one was your fault.”
“Amelia…”
“I loved you so much,” I said to him. “I’d never kissed someone before, Josh. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to have you… do whatever you wanted. You pushed me away. Twice. I felt like the ugliest person in the world.”
“You’re not,” he said. “Fuck, love, you have always been the prettiest girl… and now the most beautiful woman. And now the mother of-”
“How can you say that to me? I read that letter, Josh. That letter did things to me I never thought possible. I thought to myself that if I could find someone to love me the way the person who wrote that letter loved Delilah…”
I shook my head.
“Can I finish what I’m saying here?” Josh asked.
“You know what? No. I didn't know what to expect tonight. I’m pregnant. With your baby. This is our life now.”
“And I want this life,” Josh said.
“Where is the letter now?”
“I destroyed it. Like I should have done when I wrote it. I didn’t even want to write that fucking thing. I was supposed to write it and destroy it. To get rid of everything. But it didn't work. Because the second I saw you…” Josh put his head back. “I wrote another letter.”
“To Delilah?”
“Yes,” Josh said. “Because when I came back, and you were gone-”
“You know what? This isn’t my business. You should give her that letter. I’m serious, Josh. You and her should not go through life never knowing what could be.”
“That’s what you want?”
I swallowed hard. “Yeah. I want you to be happy, Josh. And if that’s with her, then fine. Go give her the letter you wrote.”
Josh stepped back. “Then that’s what I’ll do.”
My lips quivered.
That was the moment he was supposed to grab me again. My waist. My arms. My face. That was the moment he was supposed to tell me he loved me and nobody else. I was pushing at him out of jealousy and now he was… leaving.
“Josh,” I said as I slowly walked after him.
“I’ll take care of everything, Amelia,” he said. He looked me in the eyes again. “And I promise you, I won’t be like my father. You never have to worry about that.”
Josh shut the door behind him.
I touched my stomach and wanted to feel relief, knowing I wasn’t going to be alone in all of this.
But it wasn’t enough.
I wanted more.
I wanted Josh.
I needed Josh.
I ran back to the kitchen sink.
I felt like I was choking on my broken heart.
I sat on my bed, my legs crisscrossed with a notebook in front of me. I was writing a letter of my own. Except I was writing my letter to everyone. My memories felt raw and exposed. They refused to back away, so I sort of just stood in them for a while.
I thought about my father’s death. Knowing it was all eventual. So, getting the call that he was gone didn’t hurt me as much as it maybe should have. I thought about my mother, fleeing everything she knew in life, living a quiet and secluded life across the country. Seeing the positive pregnancy test was maybe a chance to talk to her again and bring her back into my life. But to me, I was nothing but a reminder of what life had been like for her. All the times she fought with my father, yelling for