“Time,” I said. “Just let it work itself out. You’ll be able to do your own thing soon. I know it.”
“Of course, I know that too, Josh,” she said. “I just don’t want to wait. I’m becoming numb to it. That’s a problem.”
I reached for her hand and grinned. “Sometimes numb is good.”
“Is that why you won’t tell me anything about yourself? At the very least… do you have a girlfriend?”
“No.”
“Do you like anyone?”
I laughed. “Does that matter?”
“I don’t know,” Amelia said. She pulled her hand away. “Sometimes when we talk…”
She looked down.
“Say it,” I whispered.
“I’m afraid.”
I touched her chin. “Look at me, Amelia.”
Wow, she was beautiful. Even as a teenager. When she became a real woman… I couldn’t imagine how beautiful she’d be then.
“When we talk… it makes me feel for you, Josh. Like really feel.”
“Feel what?”
“These things,” she said.
“What things?”
“Josh…”
“I need to know. Please.”
“Just things about you. About me. It’s crazy because we don’t really know each other. I just run to you when I’m hurt or scared. And you’re always there. I want you to always be there.”
I lowered my hand and swallowed hard.
“I’m just here,” I said. “You always find me.”
“Is that wrong?”
“I don’t know…”
Amelia lunged forward at me. Her hands grabbed my shoulders and her lips sought out mine.
She was a breath away when I pushed at her waist and drove her back.
She gasped and covered her mouth. Her cheeks flushed.
“Amelia…”
“I’m an idiot,” she said.
She turned and started to run.
I chased her down and spun her around.
“We can’t do this,” I said. “You know nothing about me. How bad it is for me. You come with me and it’s even more pain for you. I want to kiss you so bad, Amelia. I want you so bad… but you don’t understand…”
She jumped and tried to kiss me again.
It took all my might and all my pain to push her away again.
This time she let out a yelling cry and started to run again.
I didn’t follow.
She deserved more.
She was suffering now, but it wouldn’t last forever.
I would suffer forever.
And now my heart was shattered knowing I’d probably never see her again.
Chapter 38
Stars and Stars
THEN
(Amelia)
I couldn’t stop touching my lips as I ran and cried.
The tears flowed like I had never experienced in my life. At one point I had to stop, and I grabbed my stomach because I needed to throw up. I bent over and heaved, crying out. Nothing came up though. It was just tears, then snot.
I was a stupid fool for what happened with Josh.
I was only thirteen. That’s how he saw me. I was thirteen. He was sixteen. He was basically an adult. And I was a stupid young girl.
But he was there.
He was always there.
And tonight, he had been looking for me.
So, I thought…
It didn’t matter what I thought.
He had stopped me. He had stopped us.
I was losing Margaret.
I never had a father.
I had no idea who Josh really was.
That left me with Mom.
That was it.
She was all I had in life.
I stood back up and looked over my shoulder.
If I was writing this story, Josh would be there. He would be running toward me. He would wrap his arms around me and pick me up. I would somehow be able to spin around and hug him back. And then all those things I wasn’t sure about would happen. He would guide me. He would love me. He would take me away from this hell.
Only I wasn’t writing this story.
I was living it.
I couldn’t change it either.
I let out another cry and I gasped for a breath of air.
Josh wasn’t coming for me.
He pushed me away when I offered myself to him.
I touched my lips again and felt the heat of need and embarrassment spread across my face.
I started to run again.
I had to get home.
I never really saw my mother super drunk. She always lived in a world of fear where she’d get the phone call that my father had hurt himself and she would need to either go see him in the hospital or go identify his body at the morgue.
When I walked into the house, my mother stood at the wall next to the door, a bottle of vodka in her hand, and she was swaying as she hummed notes. There was this stupid key holder that was a small wooden shelf with metal keys that were hooks to hang real keys.