I left the apartment, leaving Amelia with nothing but a letter… and an unborn life inside her.
My lip curled again.
Maybe I was just like my father.
Always walking away.
I sat on the floor with my back against the bed.
There were notebooks and sketchpads, scribbles and drawings, words and none of it made sense. Even the bottle of whiskey next to me made no sense. I had taken only a few sips before quitting on that. So, to sit there sober with a clear head was not the norm for me. I had no desire, not even for a cigarette.
All I wanted was the taste of Amelia’s lips.
Her body.
I wanted to stare into her eyes.
Hell, I wanted to gently rest my head against her belly and listen for the heartbeat of our baby. Which was impossible to do because it was impossible to see or hear, but it was there. And I would wait forever to hear that heartbeat.
I just needed her to read the letter and understand everything. The man she knew and the protector she craved…
I shook my head.
My chance had come and gone again.
She wanted to kiss me. She wanted to jump into my arms. She wanted me to carry her to her bed and show her how much I loved her, needed her and craved her. Yet again, the need to save her kept me from acting.
The idea of Delilah had become such a part of my life… the only one who understood it was Aaron. I trusted him with who Delilah was and he was always there for me. Even the night I got into trouble, he was there. He told me right then and there that I needed to find a way to let her go. For good. To let it all go.
I tried.
But there was no letting go.
My father could burn in hell.
Delaney was a little angel somewhere, beautiful, but the sadness of her death would forever exist in me.
Gram… I only hoped she was with Delaney wherever that was.
But Amelia? Delilah?
There was no way of letting her go.
She thought I was saving her.
When, in reality, she was the one saving me.
I reached for the bottle and there was a knock at the door.
I got to my feet and raced to the door.
When I opened it and saw Amelia standing there, I didn’t know what to say.
I had a million things to say, but didn’t know what to say first.
“You’re here,” I said.
“I’m here,” she said.
“Did you read the letter?”
Amelia showed me her hand.
The letter was folded up.
“No,” she said. “I don’t give a damn about Delilah.”
“Amelia…”
“I love you, Josh,” she said. “And look what we’ve done together…”
“You should read the letter,” I said.
“Why? It’s written to someone who doesn’t even exist. But we exist.”
I inched a little closer to her. “She exists, love. She always did. That’s what you need to understand. She was the driving force behind every decision I ever made in my life. The good and the bad. I never wanted someone the way I wanted her.”
“And now?” Amelia asked.
“It’s the same way, love. Nothing has changed.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Josh. Everything has changed. And we have our chance…”
I reached for Amelia’s hand. I slipped my fingers into hers. I turned and brought her with me, walking her to the large window. Outside, it was dark and quiet. We were hidden away from the world that had worked so hard to hurt us and confuse us.
“I only ever wanted to save you, Amelia,” I said as I stared out the window. “The night I stopped you, that was part of it. If you really tried to come with me or run away with me, nothing good would have happened. I hated myself for what happened that night too. I forced myself to stay away from you. But you never left my memory. You became Delilah and then you showed up all this time later. Everything I’ve ever drawn, painted, photographed, it’s all been in your honor somehow. Every time someone tells me how great something looks, I think of you. I’ve never loved anyone like you. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone else but you.”
She touched my arm with her other hand. As she gently hugged my arm, her head resting on it, I swallowed hard.
“You’re not any of them,” she whispered.
“Of what?”
“The demons,” she said. “You never were any of them either. No matter what you think or say.”