they didn't come near you and you didn't go near them. I told them your name was Delilah so they would have no clue who you were. And when you were gone… I was gone… the only way I could forget you was to think of Delilah. But then it wouldn’t stop. I loved you, Amelia. I still love you. The nights walking with you. Walking you to your bedroom. Waiting for you to sleep. I replay everything. I hate myself for not taking your father down when I had the chance. I hate myself for not taking you when I had the chance. But my father… my sister… my grandmother…”
I lost my words and my voice.
I walked to a wall and was eye level with a basket of kittens. Little, fluffy kittens.
Amelia’s hand touched my back.
Every muscle tensed.
“Just tell me why then?” she whispered. “Why didn’t you find me? Why didn't you tell me this?”
“Tell you what?” I asked. “We were both apart. I put myself too close to the edge with those guys I ran with, so I took off to save myself. I had no ties after my grandmother passed away. She was in so much financial trouble the house was taken. And what I did to you…”
“You were protecting me,” Amelia said.
I turned and looked down at her. “I was protecting myself. I didn't know how to love someone like you. Yet I couldn't stop. So, I fell in love with someone else. I fell in love with Delilah. A made-up name for a person who was so real. So perfect. And beautiful.”
“Where did you get the name?” Amelia asked.
“My sister and the girl that used to live next door,” I said. “It just came to me one night. It was the night I told you I punched Nash. And then Murph jumped me. Things got so intense. So, I made up your name and they took off. I realized there was nothing I could do for you then. But I couldn't get away. I kept looking for you. Waiting for you. And we kept hanging out. In little chunks of time that somehow made up for the rest of the shit happening in my life.”
“I wish I knew,” she said. “Everything. I wish I knew about your father and what he did. I wish I knew about Delaney. And your grandmother. I wish I could have been there for you, Josh. You were the strength for me. I used to talk to stuffed animals. I used to make up stories to ease mine and my mother’s mind. But it was you… just seeing you. Being near you.”
My hands reached for her face.
She gasped and her eyes went wide.
My thumbs slid along her cheeks.
I looked down and tried to picture her belly full and round. A life inside her, kicking, waiting to come out and change the world we knew.
“I’ll always love you, Amelia,” I said.
“Josh… everything you said in that letter… was for me?”
“I would dream of you,” I whispered. “You and my sister. All the time. I was on a plane. I guess I was escaping or taking you with me. And maybe in some messed up way I wanted to have you and Delaney. She wouldn’t have cancer. We could be a family. But you would always jump out of the plane. Or you or Delaney would be flying next to the plane. And I could never get to you. It was like I had to say goodbye, but I refused so I had to live it all out…”
My thumbs moved along her cheeks again.
“That’s you, Delilah. You’re the ocean. The waves. The horizon. The sunrise and sunset against the wall, defying all process of life and infinite space. You’re the hope, the danger, the sadness, the love. Except you’re not sadness, Delilah. I’m sadness. You’re happiness…” I quoted from my own letter. “That's you… Amelia.”
“Oh, Josh,” she said.
She moved at me just like that night in the woods.
My hands slid down her body, cresting over her breasts for a split second as I gritted my teeth. My hands settled at her ribs and I held her away.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Read the letter. Then let me know what you want to do.”
“Josh…”
I slipped away from her. “Delilah is gone now. Forever. She was the one thing that protected me from myself. It's not fair to ask you to step into those shoes, love. But just know I will always love you