seen before. It looked fairly recent, which told me it was likely from his most recent deployment. When the funeral director began to speak, I tuned out. I didn’t want to hear all the generic phrases that were recycled for every funeral.
I barely listened as one man after another wearing dress blues spoke about him, applauding his bravery and courage. They all knew a different man than I did. They all called him their brother. I felt a twinge of jealousy as I realized many of them were probably closer to him than his real brother.
About a minute into the slideshow, I realized I’d had enough. I couldn’t watch his life play out in a chronological order. Every picture was a memory. A reminder that we would never have another memory together.
“I need to go,” I said and began to move.
Evie’s hand gripped mine as we made our way out of the funeral home. I burst through the door, dragging in deep breaths of fresh air. The air inside the funeral home smelled like grief. The sniffles and the sight of hardened Marines crying was too much for me to take.
“Are you okay?” Evie asked.
That was a strange question to me. “No, I’m not okay.”
“Would you like to talk about it?”
“No, I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to think about it.”
“Okay. Would you like to go for a walk?”
I looked up and down the street lined with cars. “A lot of people loved him,” I said.
“Yes, they did.”
“I’m glad. I’m glad to know he had that many people in his life that cared about him.”
“Just because there are a lot of people that loved and cared about him, it doesn’t mean your relationship or your love for him didn’t matter. You were important to him. I only got to know him for a very brief time, but I know he loved you.”
“But did he know how I felt about him?” I asked.
“I think he did. He knew you very well, even if you don’t think he did.”
“I don’t know,” I murmured. “I just wish I could talk to him one more time. I want to tell him all the things I should have said when he was here. I want to apologize for not dropping everything and coming up here to visit him. I took him for granted.”
“Xander, you are not the first person to realize they should have done this or should have said that when a loved one passes away unexpectedly. We know we should do better, and yet, we rarely do. Trust that he knew you cared about him. Don’t try to add to your grief. Just accept the fact that he loved you and you loved him and you both knew it.”
I wanted to believe her, but my heart wasn’t there yet. “Thanks.”
“Would you like to go get something to eat?”
“No, I hate to say this, but I really would just like to be alone. I appreciate you coming all the way here, but I don’t feel like doing anything. I just want to hibernate.”
She nodded without arguing. “Okay. I’ll be in town.”
“You will?”
“I have a room nearby. Do you have your phone?”
“I do.”
“Same number?”
I felt a little guilty for not texting her back. That was a dick move. “Yes. I’m sorry I didn’t text back. I’ve just been trying to figure shit out.”
“It’s fine. I’ll text you the hotel and my room number. You don’t have to text me back. You’ll have the information if you want it. No pressure.”
“Thanks. Really, thank you for coming. It helped.”
“You are welcome. That’s what friends are for.”
“Did you drive? Can I give you a ride to your hotel?”
“I rented a car,” she answered.
“Me too.”
“I’ll let you go. Please call if you need anything. I’m here Xander. I’m here for you.”
“Thank you.”
I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to kiss her goodbye or leave it. It felt weird. I felt weird. I didn’t have to worry about it for long. She turned and walked away, leaving me alone on the sidewalk.
Chapter 50
Evie
I wrapped my hair up in a towel and pulled on my panties before walking into the room. I had waited all night for Xander to call. He never did, but he texted me a couple times to let me know he was okay. That was enough for me.
I was going to catch a flight home tomorrow. I wanted to give him one more day, just in case he changed his mind and needed