lost my own brother. I supposed Kade was about the closest I had ever come to having a brother.
I went to Nelle’s bar. It was happy hour. Not that I felt happy, but I was hoping it wouldn’t be too busy. She was leaning on the bar, chatting with an older man I recognized as a regular. She saw me and immediately came toward me. It was only then I realized there were tears streaming down my face.
“Portia, it’s all you,” Nelle hollered to the other bartender as she wrapped her arms around me. Her hug only made the tears come faster. I was beginning to understand why Xander wanted to be alone. I could see her understanding and pity. I was sure I had that same expression.
She guided me toward the back and took me into the small office. “What happened?” she asked. “Xander? Your father? Are you okay? Are you hurt?” She held me by the shoulders and looked me up and down, obviously checking me for injuries.
“I’m fine.”
“Honey, this is not the look of someone who is fine,” she said softly.
I broke into sobs. She quickly rushed to the desk and grabbed a few tissues before coming back to me. I wiped my eyes.
“Kade,” I managed to choke out.
“Kade?” she asked with confusion. “The brother?”
“Yes, he—oh god.” I couldn’t say the words. I felt like I was going to throw up. No matter how hard I tried, the words were stuck.
“He what?” she asked.
“He’s gone.”
“Gone back to an ugly desert far, far away?” she asked. “That’s okay. That’s what he does.”
I shook my head. “Gone,” I said with a gasp. “He died. He’s dead.”
Her mouth fell open. “Oh no. How?”
I shrugged, bursting into a fresh new round of sobs. “I don’t know. Xander wasn’t really in a very talkative mood.”
“Oh my god,” she said again before going to grab a tissue.
I looked at her and saw tears shimmering in her eyes. “Are you okay?” I asked her.
“Yes, I’m just so sad for Xander and you. And maybe a little for me. I know we were only joking but I was really looking forward to meeting the guy.”
I smiled through the tears. “He was such a good guy. I can’t believe he’s gone. It’s strange to think of the man I got to meet now lying dead. He was young and healthy and full of life. It really isn’t fair.”
“Death is rarely fair,” she said. “How is Xander taking it? Did he call you?”
“I was with him. I don’t know how he is taking it. I would say not well. He wanted to be alone. He just totally shut down. I don’t think he wanted to look at me, let alone talk to me. I didn’t want to go, but he made it pretty clear he didn’t want me there. I didn’t want to make it worse.”
“I’m sorry,” she said and gave me a big hug. “I’m sure he wants you with him but he’s in for a bumpy ride. He’s probably just trying to figure out what to think and how to feel. That had to have been a huge blow.”
“It was horrible. The look on his face. It was like he knew before his father even told him.”
“Maybe he had one of those connections with his brother,” she suggested.
I dabbed at my eyes. The worst of the sobbing was over. “I don’t know. I think it was probably hearing his dad’s voice. They don’t talk. When you get a call like that, I think part of you senses what is coming. I can’t say from experience, but I’ve gotten bad news before. There is always this kind of calm that comes over you. He got that weird calmness. Oh, my heart hurts so bad for him. What do I do?”
“All you can do is be there for him. Don’t feel like you have to talk to him and make him talk. Just be there.”
I nodded. “You’re right. I want to do that but what if he doesn’t want me? What if he asks me to leave again?”
“I guess you just have to dole out a little tough love.”
“Maybe I can make him a casserole,” I said, turning to the one thing I did know. Comfort food was called comfort food for a reason.
“He would probably like that.”
“I think he is going to go to his dad’s,” I said as I replayed the conversation in my head.
“That would make sense. Are you going to go with him?”