not going to pull that thread. I was not going to lose my shit and blame my father. It wasn’t his fault. Kade made the choice to be a Marine. I had to respect his choice. He deserved to be honored for the sacrifices he made.
I wasn’t sure if I felt better about him losing his life on American soil or not. Part of me was glad to know he was close but another part of me knew he would have wanted to go out while kicking the enemy’s ass.
I couldn’t think about it. I was bombarded with thoughts and images of Kade. His life was flashing before my eyes. I thought about the last time I saw him. What did I say? What did he say? How fucking horrible was it that I couldn’t remember?
I slowly turned around to find Evie fully dressed once again with her hand over her mouth. I saw the pity in her eyes. I couldn’t deal with it. I didn’t want to see her pity for me. I didn’t want to be pitied.
I wanted to be alone.
Chapter 44
Evie
My heart was shattering into a thousand pieces. The look on his face told me everything I needed to know. I had heard his side of the conversation. I had seen his shoulders slump before he threw them back. He was trying to pull himself together.
“Xander,” I whispered.
He had a blank stare on his face. “I, um, he—”
I felt a tear stream down my face. “Kade?”
He slowly nodded. “Yes.”
I didn’t want to make the wrong assumption, but I was pretty sure I knew what had happened. I wanted to believe I was wrong. I could be wrong. Please, let me be wrong. “Is he, uh, is he—”
“Yes.”
I gasped. Hearing the confirmation made it all real. “I’m sorry,” I breathed before stepping closer.
“It’s fine.”
“Xander, it isn’t fine,” I told him. I put my hand on his arm. He flinched and pulled away. “What can I do?”
“Nothing.”
I could see him shutting down, pulling away. He was crawling into his corner to lick his wounds. “Can I get you a drink?” I offered.
I had no idea how to help him. I was grasping at straws.
“No, thank you.”
“Do you want to go home? I can drive you home.”
“No.”
I could feel the retreat. I wanted to pull him closer. I couldn’t lose him. We had come so far. I didn’t want to lose all our progress. “What can I do?” I asked and reached for his hands. “How can I help?”
He looked at me, but I didn’t know if he really saw me. “I need to be alone.”
Not what I was expecting. “I can help you through this. You shouldn’t be alone. If you don’t want to talk, I understand. We can just sit. I’ll be here for you.”
“No,” he said and pulled his hands away. “I want to be alone. There is nothing you can do to help me.”
“Are you sure? You don’t have to go through this all by yourself. I can be here. I can be a shoulder for you to lean on.”
“I don’t need a shoulder.” He was completely cold and distant.
“Okay,” I said with defeat. “Are you going to stay here?”
“Yes.”
I bit my bottom lip, trying to choose my words carefully. “Please, call me if you need anything. I’m here. I wish I could make you feel better. I don’t know how to do that but offer you support.”
“Evie, I’m sorry, but this is something I need to handle on my own. I don’t want to talk about my feelings and all that shit.”
“All right, I’ll go. Please take care of yourself. Can I call you later?”
“I’ll call you if I need you,” he answered.
It was a no. It was a leave me alone, don’t bother me. I touched his arm once again, doing my best to infuse him with all the strength I possessed. “Goodbye.”
I climbed upstairs and stepped off the boat onto the dock. I looked back, wondering if I was doing the right thing. I should stay with him. I should be tough and tell him he needed me. I couldn’t quite bring myself to defy his wishes. Not at a time when he was already dealing with so much.
I walked to my car with a heavy heart. I didn’t want to be alone. He might be okay with being alone, but I wasn’t. I couldn’t explain why I was feeling such grief. I barely knew the guy. But I felt like I had