here, I caught Lucas with a girl. Their mouths were locked, their hands in places I can’t even describe without flushing.
But it’s quiet now, no one around, and I find myself smiling when the dock comes into view. Light on my feet, I walk over to the spot where Leo’s wallet had landed the first summer I was here. I’ve never asked him about the photograph, and he’s never mentioned it.
It’s a secret I’ll take to the grave.
After removing my flip-flops, I sit on the edge of the dock, let my feet dangle in the water, and I read the text from Leo, again and again. I haven’t replied, not knowing what to say, so it just sits there, in limbo, making me feel as if I’m more than I am, bolder and greater than I am—and it’s that feeling, that momentous, significant surge of hope that has me looking around, making sure I’m alone.
For the first time since I became truly aware of how others see me, creating an insecurity I can’t fight, I allow myself a moment of freedom. Getting to my feet, I strip out of my denim shorts and tee, and I run. I run the length of the dock, the hope bubbling in my chest sparking adrenaline within me. I laugh as I jump and belly-flop into the water. I don’t feel the pain. Only the glee that sweeps through me as I swim freely, the water cascading around me.
I float on my back, my eyes stinging when I make direct contact with the sun.
I am free.
I am brave.
In that moment, I’m everything my grandpa wants me to be.
If Holden were here, he’d be laughing with me, clapping and encouraging me. I can hear it—his voice—and I can picture him on the dock with his hands cupped around his mouth as he shouts, “Yeah, Mia Mac. You bad bitch!” I laugh harder. And then I stop. Because he isn’t here, and soon enough, he won’t be anywhere.
I don’t know how long I spend in the water, lost in my own thoughts, in the memories of my best friend.
It wasn’t just that tire swing we’d carved our names into. If you walked around town long enough, you’d see the words Holden + Mia written on almost every surface. He once told me he did it so we could leave a trail of our past and the legacy of our existence in that town. If you looked hard enough, you’d find other names, too, faded in time. Joseph + Tammy.
My dad, his mom.
I wonder if my time with the Prestons would leave anything behind, or if, once gone, I’d simply fade away. It seems such a shame that this place could hold so many memories for me, mainly of the time I spend with Leo, and yet, there would be nothing to show that
Mia
Was
Here.
With that thought in mind, I dip under the water and brush my hand along the bottom, keeping my eyes open as I search for a rock. Something small and sharp. When I find one, I resurface, noting the sun beginning to set. I wade over to the dock and duck beneath it. I’ll mark my place. Right here. Where I discovered my courage and took an oath to honor my grandpa. I etch in the strokes, one by one. M followed by I followed by A. And then I take that courage a step further, mix it with hope, and put the rock to the worn wood. I scratch + L and get to the first stroke of the E when I hear a car heading toward me. I freeze, listen.
I’ve spent so long carving in the letters that the sun has almost set. At first, I think it’s Mr. Preston looking for me. But one door slams, and then another, and I hear voices, male ones.
“That party sucked.” It’s Lucas.
And then his best friend, Garray. “All the parties here are beginning to suck.”
The wood above my head rattles when they step onto the dock. I cover my mouth, not wanting to make a sound. I don’t want them to know I’m there.
I try not to move, and close my eyes, wishing they’d leave.
From the footsteps and shadows, I work out that there are three bodies on the dock. It takes a minute for the fourth to join them. They’re all here. Lucas, Garray, Logan, and Leo.
My clothes are still on the dock. If they see them, they’ll figure it out. They’ll call