hesitated as though searching for the right words. “What do you think her experience with men has been like?”
He shrugged. “Not good. Her brother mistreated her, and Jenkins is an animal.”
“Do you really understand what that means to her?”
He scratched his stubbly chin. “I suppose.”
“Her pa was a drunk, and he beat her. You know the situation with her brother and Jenkins.” Mama leaned in closer. “She’s never known anything but fear when it comes to men. Jenkins forced himself on her when she was nothing more than a girl. He hurt her, Son, more than once. What do you think that did to her?”
Realization flooded his entire body, and he swallowed hard. “She’s afraid I’ll be the same way. I—I hadn’t thought about it that way before. She’s afraid of me.”
“I believe she loves you, but fear is pretty powerful.”
“What can I do? I make her angry every time I come near her.”
“I’m not sure, but I think prayer is a good beginning. And don’t give up.”
He didn’t answer. Jenkins still had a hold on her. As much as forgiveness had been crucial in his relationship to God, most days he’d like to see the man dead. “I can’t give up, Mama. I love her too much.”
*****
One Sunday afternoon just after the midday meal, Casey borrowed the Andrewses’ wagon and drove toward town. She was so tired of the confusion about her feelings for Morgan, and she desperately needed direction. Prayers went unanswered. When nothing but silence came, Casey decided to turn the wagon around and head back to the ranch. Perhaps she needed to talk openly and honestly to Jocelyn and Bonnie about her doubts in marrying Morgan. She didn’t want to disappoint her friends any longer. Besides, she was consumed with guilt for the ugliness raging in her soul.
The longer Morgan’s kindness and devotion ruled his emotions, the more suspicious she became. She felt his caring covered for something else, and that something would be hidden until she spoke her wedding vows.
She tried to listen for God’s voice, but the only thing she heard was the clamor of her own doubts. Surely all of this wasn’t due to her impatience with the pardon or her fear of Jenkins. Or was it?
The reverend had spoken this morning on man’s insistence in judging others. “Judge not, lest ye be judged,” repeated in her mind like a newspaper headline. She pondered the sermon and wondered if God meant those words especially for her. Then she saw Morgan’s face and heard his voice. Oh, how she loved this man, but things weren’t right between them. Might never be. She felt awkward seeing him at church, as if he were a stranger. Grant stood beside him and nodded when they walked by, while Jocelyn and Bonnie looked on with sadness written in their eyes. None of them were unkind, simply distant like a patch of wildflowers on a mountain pass just beyond reach.
Glancing about, Casey stared up at the sky. It had turned a dismal shade of gray. She studied the sky for possible rain clouds. Suddenly the wagon hit a hole in the road and sent her bouncing on the rough wooden seat.
“Stupid horse!” she shouted to no one but the animal pulling the wagon. Closing her eyes, she heard the reverend’s words with sudden clarity. The wagon wheel rolling over the rut wasn’t the horse’s fault. It’s my fault for not paying attention to the road. I’m judging a horse for my shortcomings . . . I’m judging Morgan for my shortcomings . . . I’m judging Morgan because I’m afraid he’s like Jenkins.
The turmoil about Morgan suddenly made sense. His actions weren’t separating them. Her refusal to trust had caused the problem. All this time, Morgan had been trying to please her and show his love. And all of this time, she’d been running from what she wanted most. God had put Morgan in her life for a reason. They belonged to each other. She knew that now. Sarah’s words echoed across her mind. Morgan would always try. That’s what mattered. She had to tell him now. She must tell him how wrong she’d been.
Casey reined in the horse. Forgive me, Lord, for not listening and for being so stubborn. The immediate necessity to see Morgan overwhelmed her. She’d barely come two miles. Was this foolishness? Certainly not. She needed to talk to him right away and ask him to forgive her. He deserved to know she would marry