But this time it was like he had become someone else, a different person. She didn’t know if he was angry or afraid or both, but she couldn’t take another minute of it.
“Listen,” she raised her voice, but managed to keep a slight hold on her control. “I don’t know what lies ahead for us, and neither do you. But I know this …” She was shaking. She turned and pressed her back against the side door, keeping as much distance as she could between them. “I know … I can’t live another day with … with your attitude, Landon. You’re the one who told me I couldn’t stop living just because you were sick, and now —”
She had more to say, about the kids and how they were picking up on his mood and how tragic it would be if Devin stopped thinking they were always happy whenever they were together. But her voice caught, and a rush of tears took her by surprise.
“Ash …” For the first time in a week, the mask of anger or indifference that had made up Landon’s face cracked.
“I can’t do this, Landon.” She began crying so hard she wasn’t sure he could understand her. “I’m scared too. But we can’t shut each other out.” She waved to the place where he was sitting. “I watched you earlier and all I could think was, ‘Who is this guy? And what … what happened to the man I married?’”
Grief flooded Landon’s face, and without waiting another moment he checked the rearview mirror, glanced over his shoulder, and then pulled the car into the parking lot of an abandoned gas station. Landon killed the engine and turned to her. For a long time he said nothing, only hung his head like he was trying to gather his thoughts.
When he looked up there were tears in his eyes, tears for the first time since his initial asthma attack … since his doctor first began to believe something might be seriously wrong. “I’m sorry …” His hands shook as he took hers. “I’ve … I’ve never felt like this, Ash. I’ve always … been strong for you.”
“I know …” A sob slipped from her throat. “That’s why I’m freaking out here … I know something’s wrong with your lungs, Landon. That kills me … of course it kills me.” She spread her fingers over her chest. “But I can’t go through this if something’s wrong with your heart too. If you stop … stop loving me.”
That was all she needed to say. Landon’s tears came harder, and he pulled her close, hugging her so hard she couldn’t move if she wanted to. “I’m sorry, Ash … I keep … I keep thinking I won’t be any good for you.”
“What?” She squirmed her way free and stared at him, shocked at his words. “Not good for what?”
“For working! Making a living for you and our kids. You can’t … you can’t count on me anymore. Have you thought about that?” His voice was loud with what sounded like anger, but Ashley knew better. Landon was afraid. Raging fires didn’t scare him. He could run into a burning building and never once flinch. But this? The idea of being useless to her? That made him afraid like nothing else had. It terrified him. Scared him to death about what the future held.
She felt the slightest calm cut its way through her sorrow. “Landon …” a few quiet sobs shook her body. “I could never … ever love you … more than I do right now.” She took his hands in hers and held them as tightly as she could. “I don’t love you … for what you can do for our family. For the money you make or … or the work you do.” She touched the place over her heart and then pressed her hand against his chest. “I love you for who you are … inside.”
Her sobs subsided and she reached for a tissue in the glove box. “I just … I feel like you’ve been a stranger since you came home.” She sniffed and wiped her tears. “Like I don’t know you.”
The fight was gone from him. He slumped against his door and looked at her, just let his eyes get lost in hers for the longest time. “I don’t know how to do this … I … I don’t know how to be weak.”
“You’re not weak!” She leaned closer, imploring him, her voice ringing with