Nathaniel gave a half-shrug. Jason moved his head off the other mans shoulder. He dropped his hand away from my leg.
Its okay, Anita, Ive fucked this up. I know this isnt the way to approach you. But my head is so ugly tonight; I just cant seem to think clearly.
He pushed to his feet and started for the doorway.
I opened my mouth to say dont go, and yes. I closed it without saying any of it out loud, and looked at Nathaniel. I frowned at him. He was more than just my sweetie. The ardeur made me a sort of living vampire who fed off sex, but with the downsides came some interesting upsides. Nathaniel was my animal to call, which meanTHE was like my familiar. We shared emotions, power, and sometimes thoughts. Youre projecting inside my head, arent you?
You can shut me out if you want, he said.
Jason hesitated just short of the doorway. He frowned at us both. Im missing something.
I looked into the face of a man that I loved. Is this really what you want?
Hes my friend.
You know, most guys dont want their girlfriends to sleep with their friends.
If youd never slept with Jason, that would be different, but you have. Why is it wrong to sleep with him tonight?
I opened my mouth to say something reasonable, then closed it, because for the life of me, I couldnt come up with a clearheaded answer. Why was it wrong to sleep with Jason tonight? Because I hadnt planned on it? Because it felt slutty? Were any of those reasons good reasons?
Jason stopped in the doorway, caught between the light of the kitchen and the darkness of the living room beyond. Ive made you feel sorry for me. Im not sure I want that to be your motivation for taking me to bed.
Once upon a time, you wouldnt have cared why you got to sleep with me.
I was a slut, I know.
I didnt mean that, Jason.
Stay here tonight, Nathaniel said.
He half-turned so he could see us, but his face was still mostly in shadow. Why? Why do you want me to stay?
I shrugged at Nathaniel, with a this-was-your-idea expression.
Because youre our friend. Because we care about you.
And you, Anita, whats your motivation?
I looked up at him. There was something defiant about the set of his shoulders, as if he expected me to hurt him. I tried very hard not to do that. It just seems wrong for you to walk out the door right now. Stay, if the sex is an issue, then just stay for a big puppy pile. We can actually just sleep.
He shook his head. You never want to make me just sleep, Anita.
That made me uncomfortable. I dont know what to say to that, Jason.
Say you want me.
I started to say something, but Nathaniel touched my hand. He needs the truth, Anita.
And what is the truth? I asked, taking my hand away from his.
Tell him how you feel, really feel about him.
I took a deep breath and thought about the truth; what was the truth? You are one of the best friends I have, Jason, and you shouldnt be alone tonight.
Jean-Claude would let me sleep with him.
But you wouldnt let him hold you while you feel miserable.