I want someone to want me the way you want Nathaniel. I want someone to love me the way you love the men in your life.
Perdy loved you that way, I said. Was it mean to say that, or just true?
He gave me an unfriendly look. Are you trying to be mean?
I took a deep breath, let it out slow, and tried to be honest, but not mean. I am on a plane, which means I am not at my best. Let me try this: youve told me before that you want to be consumed by romance, by love. You want to burn with it. Since I spent years fighting against anyone who wanted to love me like that, I dont quite get why that is your goal, but you say it is, so it is.
What am I supposed to say now, Anita? That I threw away someone who wanted to consume me with her love? I guess I did.
I shook my head and tried one more time. No, I dont mean that. I mean Perdys idea of love and your idea of love arent the same. You want to be consumed, not smothered. A fire needs air to burn bright. She took your air away, and the fire died.
He studied my face. That was actually smart.
Gee, Jason, thanks, you sound surprised.
He smiled. I dont mean that. I mean, that makes sense, that makes me feel less stupid about not wanting Perdy to love me. I do this big thing about wanting someone to be obsessed with me. I get it and I dont want it. I thought I was being fickle.
Obsession isnt love, Jason. Its possession.
I want to belong to someone, Anita.
But you want closer to what Nathaniel has, than a traditional marriage.
You mean I want to belong but not be monogamous.
I shrugged. Technically, Nathaniel is monogamous. He doesnt have sex with anyone but me.
Jason grinned, blue eyes shining. He so has sexual contact with other people.
Hes a stripper. Sexualized contact with other people is part of the job description.
I didnt say sexualized. I said sexual. At our jobs we cut it pretty fine, but actual sex is illegal.
I closed my eyes, but that made the purr of the engines seem louder. I opened my eyes wide and tried to think of what Id been saying. What do you mean then?
He gave me another of those looks that said I was being either nave or obtuse. Since I wasnt being either on purpose, I didnt know whaTHE meant.
Dont give me that look, Jason. I honestly dont know what you mean.
It was his turn to frown. You dont, do you?
No, I dont. I couldnt help but sound grumpy.
What do you consider sexual contact, Anita?
I dont know, sex.
Anita, Ive seen Asher feed on Nathaniel. Hell, Ive had him feed on me. Youd have to be a hell of a lot more homophobic than either Nathaniel or me not to understand that when Asher feeds, its sexual.
One of Ashers abilities was to make his bite orgasmic. It wasnt just mind tricks either. It was like a special ability. When hed been a bad little vampire hed used that ability to get money, land, protection from his victims. People had begged him for one more night, even when they knew it would kill them.
I know what Asher can do, better than you do, Jason.
Oh, geez, Im an idiot. How could I forget that? He hugged me. Im sorry, Anita, Im so sorry.
Asher and I had had sex and blood alone for the first and only time. Hed nearly killed me with pleasure, because I asked him to. Begged him to. We werent allowed to be alone anymore, because Id admitted to Jean-Claude that I still craved what wed done. Of all of Jean-Claudes vampires, Asher was the one I feared the most. Because he was the one who made me want him to do deadly things to me.
Jason hugged me and said, Im scared and thats making me stupid. Im sorry.