what's saved me from a total breakdown. I didn't want to be queen, but if I have to ... then I'm going to do it right. I feel like ... like I have the world at my fingertips, like I can do so much good. But I'm so afraid of messing up too.' She looked up sharply. "And I'm not giving up on the rest of my life either. I guess I'm going to be the first queen in college.'
"Cool,' I said. "You can IM with the Council from campus. Maybe you can command people to do your homework.'
She apparently didn't think the joke was as funny as I did. "Going back to my family. Rose ... how long did you know about Jill?'
Damn. I'd known this part of the conversation would eventually be coming. I averted my eyes. "Not really that long. We didn't want to stress you until we knew it was real,' I added hastily.
"I can't believe ...' She shook her head. "I just can't believe it.'
I had to go on her tone, not the bond. It was so strange, like losing one of my key senses. Sight. Hearing. "Are you upset?'
"Of course I am! How can you be surprised?'
"I figured you'd be happy ...'
"Happy to find out my dad cheated on my mom? Happy to have a sister I hardly know? I've tried to talk to her, but ...' Lissa sighed again. "It's so weird. Almost weirder than suddenly being queen. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think of my father. And I sure as hell don't know what to do with her.'
"Love them both,' I said softly. "They're your family. Jill's great, you know. Get to know her. Be excited.'
"I don't know if I can. I think you're more of a sister to me than she'll ever be.' Lissa stared off at nothing. "And of all people ... I was convinced for so long that there was something going on between her and Christian.'
"Well, out of all the worries in your world, that's one you can let go because it's not true.' But within her comment was something dark and sad. "How isChristian?'
She turned back to me, her eyes full of pain. "He's having a hard time. I am too. He visits her. Tasha. He hates what she did, but ... well, she's still his family. It hurts him, but he tries to hide it. You know how he is.'
"Yeah.' Christian had spent a good portion of his life masking dark feelings with snark and sarcasm. He was a pro at fooling others about how he truly felt.
"I know he'll be better in time ... I just hope I can be there for him enough. So much is happening. College, being queen ... and always, always, there's spirit there, pressing down on me. Smothering me.' Alarm shot through me. And panic. Panic over something far worse than not knowing what Lissa was feeling or where she was. Spirit. I was afraid of spirit--and the fact that I couldn't fight it for her. "The darkness ... I can't absorb it anymore. What will we do?'
A twisted smile crossed her lips. "You mean, what will I do. It's my problem now, Rose. Like it always should have been.'
"But, no ... you can't. St. Vladimir--'
"Isn't me. And you can protect me from some things but not all.'
I shook my head. "No, no. I can't let you face spirit alone.'
"I'm not exactly alone. I talked to Sonya. She's really good at healing charms and thinks there's a way to keep myself in balance.'
"Oksana said the same thing,' I recalled, feeling hardly reassured.
"And ... there's always the antidepressants. I don't like them, but I'm queen now. I have responsibilities. I'll do what I have to. A queen gives up everything, right?'
"I guess.' I couldn't help feeling frightened. Useless. "I'm just so worried about you, and I don't know how to help you anymore.'
"I told you: you don't have to. I'll protect my mind. Your job's to protect my body, right? And Dimitri will be around too. It'll all be okay.'
The conversation with Dimitri came back to me. Who were you going for? Me or her?
I gave her the best smile I could. "Yeah. It'll all be okay.'
Her hand squeezed mine. "I'm so glad you're back, Rose. You'll always be part of me, no matter what. And honestly ... I'm kind of glad you can't see my sex life anymore.'
"That makes two of us.' I laughed.