act, and stood to love me still if I could earn their forgiveness. And in that room behind me was a darling child who touched my heart as all children always have—and this child was mine, my firstborn!
All the good things, I thought, the good things which are life itself! And damn this daemon to hell that I cannot get rid of it!
But what right had I to complain? What right had I to regret? What right had I to be ashamed? I’d let the thing enslave me from my earliest years, when I knew it was treacherous and fanciful and pompous and selfish. I’d known. I’d played into its hands as all the witches had, as the whole family had.
And now, if it was to let me live, I had to be of some clear use to it. I had to think of something. Teaching Mary Beth wouldn’t be enough. No, not nearly enough. After all the thing itself was a damned good teacher. No, I had to think of something quick, and it was going to take all my witches’ gifts to do it.
Even as I brooded, the family gathered. Cousins came running, shouting and waving and clapping their hands.
“It’s a girl, it’s a girl! At last, Katherine has given birth to a girl!”
And suddenly I was surrounded by loving hands, and loving kisses. It was perfectly fine that I’d raped my sister; or I’d done penance enough; whatever, I didn’t know. But Riverbend was filled with cheering voices. Champagne corks popped; musicians played. The baby was held aloft from the gallery. Ships on the river began to blow their whistles to honor our visible and obvious festivity.
Oh God in heaven! What will you do now, I thought, you evil evil man? What will you do merely to keep yourself alive and to save that tiny baby from utter destruction?
Fifteen
THE WORLD SHOOK with Father’s song and Father’s laughter. Father said, in his fast high-pitched voice, “Emaleth, be strong; take what you must; Mother may try to harm you. Fight, Emaleth, fight to be with me. Think of the glen and the sunshine and of all our children.”
Emaleth saw children—thousands and thousands of people like Father, and like Emaleth herself, for she did see herself now, her own long fingers, and long limbs, and hair swimming in the water of the world that was Mother. The world that was already too small for her.
How Father laughed. She saw him dance; she saw him dance as Mother saw him. His song to her was long and beautiful.
Flowers were in the room. Lots and lots of flowers. The scent was everywhere mingled with the scent of Father. Mother cried and cried and Father tied her hands to the bed. Mother kicked him and Father cursed; and there was thunder in heaven.
Father, please, please, be kind to Mother.
“I will. I’m going now, child.” He gave her the secret message. “And I’ll come back with food for your mother, food that will make you grow strong; and when the time comes, Emaleth, fight to be born, fight anything which tries to oppose you.”
It made her sad to think of fighting. Whom was she to fight? Surely not Mother! Emaleth was Mother. Emaleth’s heart was tied to Mother’s heart. When Mother felt pain, Emaleth felt it, as if someone had pushed her through the wall of the world that was Mother.
Only a moment ago Emaleth could have sworn that Mother knew she was there! That for one instant Mother understood that she had Emaleth inside her, but then the quarreling had come again, between Father and Mother.
And now as the door shut, and Father’s scent was gone away, and the flowers shifted and nodded and pulsed in the twilight room, Emaleth heard Mother crying.
Don’t cry, Mother, please. You make me sad when you cry. All the world is nothing but sadness.
Can you really hear me, my darling?
Mother did know she was there! Emaleth turned and twisted in her tiny constricted world, and pushed at the roof, and heard Mother sigh: Yes, Mother, say my name as Father says it. Emaleth. Call my name!
Emaleth.
Then Mother began to talk to her in earnest. Listen to me, baby girl, I’m in trouble. I am weak and sick. I’m starved. You are inside of me, and thank God, you take what you must have from my teeth, from my bones, from my blood. But I’m weak. He’s tied me up again. You must begin to help me. What