I was wondering about his mood. Okay, I was worried about his mood. Okay, I was scared to death about his mood.
“I need to go to work,” I whispered against his throat, the fear and hope were back. The longer he stayed silent the more the fear was winning.
Vance’s arms went loose and he moved a bit away.
The fear took further hold. I couldn’t remember a time when Vance so easily let me go.
I looked at him and couldn’t read his face.
Damn it all to hell.
“You going to work?” I asked in an effort to force him to speak.
“Been up all night. I’ll go to the down room and crash.”
I kept watching him but my throat was beginning to feel funny, like it was going to close up on me.
I knew how important what just happened was to me. I didn’t know what Vance was thinking and from the look of him it wasn’t good. Wasn’t good as in wasn’t anything, which was definitely not good.
“Okay,” I said and it sounded kind of croaky.
I sat up, taking the sheet with me and holding it to my chest. Vance moved, getting ready to exit the bed. I grabbed his hand. Do not ask me why but I did. He stilled and looked at me.
And before I could stop myself I whispered, “You can crash here.”
Vance didn’t speak.
“You can shower here too,” I went on quickly so as not to arouse my Rottie.
He kept looking at me.
My jaw started hurting with the effort to keep the fear and the tears at bay.
“Whenever you want,” I said, “crash, I mean. And… um, shower.”
I thought what I just said was huge.
Vance gave me nothing.
“I’ll give you a key,” I told him, the last ditch effort to get my point across.
That was super-huge.
More nothing from Vance.
Not… one… thing.
That’s when I nodded.
There you had it.
The fear changed from being scared of not getting Vance back to what my life would mean knowing I couldn’t have him back.
Time to move on.
I’d deal with it later. A lot later. When I was making quesadillas like a pro while wearing a sweater I knitted for myself in Nicaragua.
“Okay,” I said, my voice sounded higher and I let go of his hand, “I’m gonna get ready for work.”