“Me,” I replied then sighed and went on. “It was me.
Effing me.”
“What about you?” Stevie asked.
I saw Jet’s back go straight, she’d caught sight of something but I wasn’t paying attention. I’d started and now I couldn’t stop and I was noticing it felt kind of good to get it out, let it go. I was thinking maybe I should have done this ages ago.
Therefore, I kept right on talking.
“My Mom had trouble getting pregnant. When she did, my Dad was over the moon. Total y psyched. He wanted a boy so bad. I know this because he told me, like, every day of my life. Mom never got pregnant again and Dad never got over not having a son. No matter what I did, how hard I worked to gain his approval, his respect, to earn anything, even a little thing that was good from him; I’d never be a boy. Dad was disappointed in me from the minute I opened my mouth, took my first breath and screamed.”
“Stel a –” Jet broke in but I ignored her, I was on a rol .
“It wasn’t abuse, he didn’t hit me, he just said shit to me.
Made me feel like dirt. Made me know I wasn’t wanted. I don’t know how to describe it, it just wasn’t nice. What it was, was constant. ”
I pul ed my hands through the sides of my long hair, held it’s heaviness at the back of my head and looked back out the window.
“Mom left me to him, made it easier for her, kept her out of his sights. He’d turn it on her, make no mistake, and she didn’t want it. So she let me take it.”
“That’s awful,” Ava whispered.
I dropped my hands but kept my gaze at the window.
I dropped my hands but kept my gaze at the window.
“Maybe, yeah. But I didn’t blame her. Stil don’t. It could get rough. Who’d want that?”
“A mother should protect her child!” Daisy burst out.
I turned my face from the window and smiled at Daisy.
“Wel , my Mom didn’t. I’m not whining. I used to get pissed off about it but there’s no going back, no changing anything, not who he is, she is or I am. We are who we are, we did what we did.”
“How did you cope?” Jules asked softly.
“I left, soon as I graduated high school. Took off my graduation robes, threw them on the bed, grabbed my guitar and left. I came to Denver, got in a band. You al know Floyd?” My eyes did a mini-scan and everyone nodded. “Wel , Floyd was the pianist. He told me I was good, better than most anyone he’d heard. Until then, no one had ever said anything like that to me in my whole effing life. Definitely not my Dad and also not my Mom. I knew why, if she did, she’d court the Wrath of Dad, so she didn’t.”
“Oh sugar,” Daisy whispered and I saw her eyes had tears in them.
“Don’t cry for me Daisy,” I said softly. “I’m not broken, just scarred.”
“Wel , I’d think Mace wouldn’t ever leave if he knew al this shit. How is this part of why he broke up with you?” Al y snapped.
“Oh, I never told him any of this.” I waved my hand in front of me and noticed, in a vague way, Jet’s head snapping around and her attention coming to me.
around and her attention coming to me.
“You didn’t?” Jet’s eyes were wide, her face was pale and I saw her gaze slide to the side after she stopped speaking.
“No, and I’m glad I didn’t. If he left me because he thought I was needy, heck, if he knew this crap, wel , that would have made him leave sooner.”
“Stel a –” Jet started again, her voice now sounding more urgent.
“Anyway,” I kept going, talking over Jet, “after a few years, Floyd and I started another band. Then that band broke up and we started another one. The Gypsies. Then I met Mace. He made me feel good about myself, not when I was onstage, not when I had a guitar in my hands and a mic in front of my mouth but al the time. He made me feel good about just being me. Even when he wasn’t with me, just knowing he’d be with me eventual y felt good. A man like that, a good man… I ate it up. I sucked it out of him. I needed it. No one had ever made me feel that way, not even Floyd. I took al of that I could get too.”
“Stel a, girl –” Now Indy had gone pale and she was looking in the same direction as Jet.