testicles and ask him to cough. Or he’d give him a rectal examination to make sure that his chronic constipation wasn’t “flaring up.” After a few visits, though, the man made incremental adjustments to the routine. His hand lingered a little longer. An extra finger was added to the rectal exam. Then it was not a finger at all.
“This may hurt a little,” the doctor said, voicing the gentle warning he usually delivered before pricking him with a needle. “But not for long.” Suddenly and excruciatingly, when he heard the man’s zipper open behind him, he realized he’d been terribly betrayed; everything before had been a ruse. He let out a scream—or at least tried to—but the man covered his mouth, stifling the cry, as he raped him.
When he was through, the doctor pretended nothing happened; it had been as if he’d performed his regular examination. The only difference was this time, after he finished writing some notations in his chart, he handed Madden a box of tissues and said, “Henry, there’s a bathroom next door. Why don’t you take a moment and clean yourself up back there? There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Just use hot water.” He remembered taking the tissues without saying anything. He was in a daze, certain he knew what had happened yet unable to totally believe it. Before he could get to the door, the doctor stopped him, gently squeezing his arm. “You know, Henry, whatever happens in a doctor’s office is never discussed by the patient or the doctor with anyone else,” he told him. “And that means your parents, too. It’s the law.”
He never said anything about the incident. And he never asked anybody whether it really was a law, because law or not, he thought his father would think it was his fault, that he deserved it. “The guy was an idiot, he had it coming to him,” his father used to say about people who made bad decisions and had bad things happen to them as a result. He was ashamed that he hadn’t seen it coming or reacted more quickly once he heard the man’s fly open. He should have jabbed him with his elbow or tried to knock over the scale; the loud noise probably would have made him stop. And that was the part he knew his father would never understand—that he hadn’t fought back. So he didn’t say anything for a long time. Of course, years later, he realized he was completely wrong; he should’ve spoken out, for it would have prevented others from being abused.
“I truly regret that,” he told the reporter, who would end up rewarding his candidness with a modicum of restraint. She provided enough detail without revealing too much.
“When asked why he was drawn to detective work,” she wrote, “Madden reveals that his motive is partially personal. As a boy, while being treated for polio, a physician sexually abused him. He says that he was unable to confront the truth for many years, until he confided in a fellow officer who was working on a similar case. He regrets not saying anything earlier, for it could have prevented the physician, who was only brought to justice when Madden was in college, from abusing other patients.
“‘One day, he picked the wrong kid,’ the detective said. ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t that kid. I won’t let it happen again.’”
After the article came out, people behaved differently toward him. At times, he could tell they were being more cautious in how they chose their words. When certain topics came up, he no longer was a detective but a victim, which he found profoundly disturbing. Happily, Pastorini obliged his request that people “cut the bullshit” and relax and be “the insensitive bastards” they really were around him. But sometimes they took their comments a little too far. Maybe they were overcompensating, but most of them, especially guys like Billings and his partner, Fernandez—and even Pastorini occasionally—were just being pricks for the sake of being pricks. The Martin and Lewis of the office, Billings and Fernandez were constantly joking around. They had this shtick where they’d match up random people in fictional fights. “Madden versus the guy behind the deli counter at Luttiken’s,” they might say. Then they’d go around soliciting opinions and have people comment on the fighters’ strengths and weaknesses. Each week there were two new fighters. And each week they’d declare a winner. For some reason, everybody found it amusing.
Madden isn’t thinking about all that