Nicole kept her arm like a vise around Audrey’s neck. But Audrey’s storm of emotions had started to quiet down, and for a second she almost felt…peaceful.
She hadn’t expected that. But there was something surprisingly cathartic about crying your eyes out, even if she did feel snottier than a toddler with a cold. When she snuffled, Nicole fished a tissue out of her handbag and handed it over.
“You okay?” she asked.
Audrey nodded. “I don’t know why I came here. I… The car broke down right outside, and it felt like…”
“Providence?” Nicole offered.
“Kinda.” Audrey sighed and toyed with the stem of one of the peonies. She had no idea if they were her mom’s favorite or not. After spending the last fourteen years so focused on putting one foot in front of the other, it was like her mind had erased some things that were too painful to remember.
But now she wished she’d hung onto those memories a little tighter. “Maybe it was time. Everything’s going to shit now anyway, so what’s one more thing to deal with?”
Nicole frowned but didn’t say anything.
“I broke up with Ronan,” Audrey explained.
“What happened?” Nicole placed a hand on Audrey’s arm.
“He…” She sighed. What the hell was she supposed to say?
He tried to help me, so I dumped him. He gave a shit about my future, so I dumped him. He treated me like he thought I could do anything, so I dumped him.
It didn’t make sense anywhere except in her head.
“He overstepped a boundary,” Audrey said eventually, biting down on her lip. “I told him that I hadn’t finished high school, and he took it upon himself to look into how I could get my diploma so I could be eligible for a college scholarship.”
“Okay.” Nicole bobbed her head. “And that’s a bad thing because…?”
“I told him I can’t do that.”
Audrey touched her fingertip to her mother’s grave, stroking and tracing the letters and numbers. Their birthdays were only one day apart, and her mother had always said Audrey was the best birthday present. Her mother had told her over and over as a kid that she could do great things. She’d wanted her to get good grades and set her sights high and dream big.
“What if I try, and my life gets better, and suddenly a terrible thing takes it all away again?” The words rushed out of Audrey like a freight train. There; she said it. Her greatest fear.
If life was good, she had too much to lose.
Loss equaled pain—she knew that already. Losing Ronan had hurt like having a limb carved off with a rusty spoon. Losing her mother had…ruined her.
“So it’s better to live an unsatisfying life because at least you have nothing to lose?” Nicole asked. “That’s a slippery slope, babe.”
“What if next time I end up like him?” She sucked in a shaky breath. “My dad was broken after my mom died, and he hasn’t recovered. I…I can’t be like him.”
“You won’t be like him. Ever,” Nicole said fiercely. “Because you’re stronger than he is. You’re smarter, and you have a bigger heart, and you care about others.”
Audrey swallowed and nodded. That all sounded true.
“Here’s the thing,” Nicole continued. “I’m going to sound real cynical for a minute, but hear me out. Things can always be worse. Having a shitty situation now doesn’t protect you from having an even more shitty situation in the future. Therefore, this approach to not visiting your mom’s grave before today and not doing anything for yourself doesn’t guarantee protection. You could still be hit by a bus tomorrow.”
“Morbid much?” Audrey muttered.
“What I’m saying is, choosing not to live a satisfying life doesn’t protect you. So, if there is no way to protect yourself from bad things in the future…why not try to improve your situation?”
Like Ronan. Like the things she was passionate about in life.
“But I have to look after my family,” Audrey said.
“Yeah, you do. But you also have to look after yourself, because otherwise…what are you teaching Deanna? Would you want her to be in your shoes?”
“No.” The answer was so true the resonance of it rang through her body like a church bell. “I would never want her to do this.”
“I’m sure your mom would say the same for you,” Nicole said softly. “She wouldn’t have expected you to shoulder the burden of the whole family by yourself.”
“But if I don’t do it…” She shook her head.
“You have people who want to help you,” Nicole said. “Your aunt is