She focused on putting one foot in front of the other. “He’s fine.”
Audrey didn’t have the mental fortitude to make excuses for him today. He’d been in a mood last night, yelling at Deanna for “making too much noise” while she listened to music in her bedroom…like any other teenage girl would do on a Saturday night. But there was some prideful part of Audrey that made her feel like she still had to defend him. If for no other reason than she remembered the man he used to be.
“Every day is different, but he’s working on things at his own pace.”
Nicole looked at her with brow furrowed, most likely because she smelled Audrey’s reply for what it was—bullshit. “Those are a whole lotta words that don’t say a damn thing.”
“Grief doesn’t go away overnight.”
“Your mom has been dead for fourteen years, Audrey. I’m not saying he should get over it, but acting like a wounded bull and lashing out at his own family is not okay.” Despite Nicole’s bluntness, she was a softie at heart. And as fiercely protective of Audrey as she had been since they became friends in the fourth grade when someone was bullying Audrey for her weight. “When is your turn to grieve?”
“I’m fine.” Audrey put on her most indulgent smile, like her friend was talking nonsense.
“Have you been to visit her grave yet?”
Audrey bit the inside of her cheek. This was well-worn territory between the two of them. She could tell Nicole to mind her own business, but Audrey knew it wouldn’t stop her friend asking the tough questions.
And Audrey would be lying if she didn’t admit there was a part of her that felt deeply guilty that she’d never visited her mom’s grave. Not since the day they buried her. But there was also a part that caused Audrey to freeze up every time she even thought about setting foot in the cemetery. It was almost like she was worried that something might happen—like a floodgate might open or something might break inside her. The only way she was able to power on taking care of her siblings and putting up with her father was if she stayed positive.
And visiting her mom’s grave would not be positive.
“She wouldn’t want me crying over things,” Audrey said. “She’s gone. Looking at a plaque won’t magically change that.”
“People don’t visit cemeteries hoping to resurrect the dead,” Nicole deadpanned. “But it’s…healing.”
“Not for me.” Healing for Audrey was doing, not wallowing. Not thinking or remembering or indulging in melancholy. And it most certainly wasn’t crying, which was what would happen. “You know I like to keep busy.”
“It helps you avoid things you don’t want to deal with,” Nicole grumbled.
“Can we please talk about something else?”
Her friend looked like she was going to argue, but instead she slung an arm around Audrey’s shoulders and squeezed. “Sorry, Audrey. I didn’t mean to give you a hard time, I just worry about you.”
“I know.” Audrey brushed aside the thoughts about her parents and forced herself to turn to the positive. “Let’s talk about you. Any wins this week?”
“You mean other than not killing my boss or any of his army of sycophants?” she quipped, taking a long drink from her thermos.
“I’d say zero murders makes it a good week.” Audrey grinned. “Gotta celebrate all the wins, even the little ones.”
“Amen to that.” Nicole shook her head. Her sigh echoed through the forest, drowned out only by the soft, even thump of their footsteps. There was something magical about this place—something special in the intimacy of being surrounded by thick trunks and dense greenery, the cozy blanket of scents like earth and pine and crisp air, and the quiet stillness.
“I had dreams once, you know.” Nicole’s voice didn’t waver. “I had dreams of being a Hallmark cliché—I was going to start my own business and buy a big house and marry a guy who wanted to fuck me every night.”
“Pretty sure there’s no fucking in Hallmark,” Audrey said with a snort.
“Don’t you ever feel…” She stomped her foot, trying to loosen some of the moist earth that had gathered there. “Like time is slipping away from you? Like those dreams might up and leave if you don’t do something about it?”
The question struck Audrey hard in the chest. It was like being run through with something cold and impenetrable. Realization. That’s what the feeling was—the realization that her dreams were getting away from her. That by the time her siblings