Kiss Me in the Dark Anthology - Monica James Page 0,37
of heaviness. This is why I called Jenn. The truth hurts, but sometimes pain is the best medicine.
“You’re running away and not facing the real issue. It’s a diversionary tactic that can only work for so long.”
“Maybe that’s it. The time has expired.”
“Erika?”
I drop my fork and look around. No one is close enough to hear us. Nevertheless, I lean forward and speak in a low voice. “The real issue is that I’ve worked my ass off to be a success in this business. Literally!” I twist my body to look at my own backside, and back to my friend. “I work out. I research. I smile at the damn cameras and show off my stupid legs. Do you know that the stupid number crunchers have my skirt length to the millimeter? To the damn millimeter! Too long and we lose ratings. Too short and we lose ratings. Need to keep the men happy and not upset the jealous women.”
“I think you’re concentrating on your career instead of your marriage.”
“We ran together this morning. It’s the first time in a week that our schedules have allowed it.”
Jenn nods. “Okay. Did you talk?”
“No. I mean we spoke, but we didn’t talk. It was only two miles, but I had the audible rundown of tonight’s headlines to listen to.”
“Twice a week, Paul and I go out to dinner.”
I humph. “Seriously. It’s hard. Someone always recognizes me. It’s not like we can be alone.”
“Then order in.”
“I think I should face the fact: my marriage is beyond repair. I’ve failed.” I shrug. “He’s failed. We both have.”
“Since when is Erika Ellis a failure?”
“Do you ever think about things?” I ask, afraid to vocalize my true thoughts. “Things that you shouldn’t think about?”
“Are we talking a hot fudge sundae or something else?”
I shrug. “Something else.”
“Go on.”
“It’s that I’m tired. I’m tired of the fight. The fight to keep my anchor seat, of trying to move to bigger markets when there are women five years my junior sitting in those chairs. I’m not getting any younger. I’m also tired of working to save that spark that isn’t there. I can only fan the flame for so long. Why should it be up to me?”
“Because you said I do. Tell me, has a line been crossed? Has he ever cheated on you?”
“I don’t think so.”
Her brow furrows. “You don’t think so?”
“He seems preoccupied.”
“With what?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t asked.”
“Have you ever cheated on him?”
“No. I wouldn’t...willingly.” I wasn’t sure where the last word came from, but it slipped out.
“Excuse me?”
“Okay, I wouldn’t. It’s just that I have these thoughts, and my husband is damn perfect. He’s supportive of my career. He’s always there, like that worn-out sweatshirt or a pathetic puppy. Maybe that’s the problem. He’s too...too accommodating.”
“There are people who would kill for a handsome man who’s supportive and accommodating.”
I fidget with the remains of my salad before lowering my fork to the table and taking a drink of the ice water. Jenn is right. I should be happy with what we have, but I’m not. Maybe it’s my concern over my career. Maybe it’s that the spark went out and I don’t know how to rekindle it. Maybe it’s that I’ve let my fantasies overpower my reality. Maybe it’s...I blurt it out, “He wants a baby.”
Jenn’s eyes open wide. “Shit.”
“Yeah.” I pick up the fork and go back to moving the lettuce, pine nuts, and clumps of feta cheese around. Though my appetite is gone, in the red vinegar dressing the design is rather appealing.
“Erika, look at me.”
I don’t. I keep moving the contents of my plate.
Her hand slaps the table. I jump as the silverware rattles. “What?” I look up, knowing my eyes are moist.
“When?”
“He first brought it up over six months ago.”
“And now...is that when...?”
I suck in a breath as my shoulders straighten. “With a kid, my chances of advancement in my industry are less than fifty percent of what they would be now. And now, they’re not great.”
Jenn shakes her head. “Does he know your feelings?”
“Sort of. He said he’d raise it.”
“It?”
“The kid.”
“That’s not an it. It’s a person. Besides, I thought the two of you talked about children before you married.”
“We did,” I say, “but that was nearly five years ago. Back then, we said we’d wait. In his mind, we’ve waited. I just can’t think about that right now. And since he brought it up, every time he suggests...sex...I panic. You know that I can’t take the pill and with