Shepherd leans into me. “I never thought I deserved anything. I thought that I was put on this earth to do miserable and horrible things for awful people. I thought I would never break free of this hell. And then I found you. You’re like a fucking angel dropped down from heaven just for me.”
I shake my head. “Please don’t think so highly of me. I’m not as good of a person as you think I am.”
“I don’t give a shit, Killian. So we’ve both done bad things—who the fuck cares anymore? You told me people can change, so fucking let me change and let yourself change too. We’re better together.”
I press myself against his side, needing to feel him. “We are. We’re so much better together. I know I’ve only known you a short period of time, but I love you, Shepherd. I can’t imagine anyone ever making me feel like I’m worth something like you do. And seeing you hurt and knowing that I could have lost you made me realize that now more than ever.”
He turns to look at me and I can barely see his expression in the dark. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Maybe it wasn’t time, but we’ve gone through so much together.
“You don’t have to reply.”
“Killian, would you love me even if I did something absolutely horrible? Even if I was the worst person, would you still love me?”
“I think I would because I know the real you.”
“God, I sure fucking hope this is the real me because I don’t like the other me at all. He’s a horrible and sick man.”
“Stop,” I say as I squeeze him gently. “I thought you were pushing past that? You said that you wanted to change, and you have changed.”
He nods before squeezing me back tightly. “Thank you.”
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I hope that whatever happens, it happens for the best. I think we both deserve a break.
“I don’t know much about love, but I care about you more than I’ve ever cared about anyone, even myself. Does that count as love?” Shepherd asks.
“I think it does.”
He drifts off to sleep and I lie awake, holding on to him, my hand set on his chest so I can feel every rise of breath. I’m wide awake with a gun in one hand and the other constantly touching him. I’ve had many sleepless nights, but none as dreadful as this one. There’s something about knowing that someone is out there wanting to kill you while also anxiously waiting for something to happen to the man you love.
I can’t lose him. I can’t lose him when I finally found someone to care.
I hear twigs snap and leaves crunch and the grip I have on the gun tightens. Lying still, I listen until I can hear the chittering of an animal and slowly begin to relax.
“We’ll be okay,” Shepherd whispers as he sets his hand on top of the hand resting on his chest.
“Okay,” I say, even though I know that might be a lie.
“Get some sleep or you’ll be too tired tomorrow.”
“I will.” Another lie. I know there’s no way I’ll be able to sleep tonight.
In the middle of the night, Shepherd mumbles something, so I gently press on his side to tell him I’m here. “What’s wrong?”
“Water?”
I nod and get up to find it since his bottle is empty. It’s probably been long enough, so I get him another pain pill. I help him sit up to take both and notice he’s sweaty. Is it from pain? Blood loss? What am I supposed to do about it?
“It’ll be okay,” I say, but I’m not sure if I’m reassuring myself or him. When he lies back down, he lays his head on my lap, so I grab his torn shirt and splash some water on it before setting it against his forehead in an attempt to cool him down. He holds on to me with his right hand and I just watch him until his breathing steadies and he drifts off to sleep.
My night is long because I can’t get myself to stop checking on him. I’m afraid I’ll close my eyes and when I wake up in the morning, I’ll be all alone again. Always alone.
But when morning comes, Shepherd opens his eyes and looks over at me. “Did you sleep at all?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“You should have slept so you had more energy. Do you want