you can’t even say it’s because you’re the first person who’s been nice to me because it’s been over a month, and I’m still prepared to follow you anywhere.”
He sits up and looks into my eyes as he draws a finger over my cheek and into my hair. “No matter what happens… no matter what I’ve done in my past, you’ll still stay with me?”
What do I need to do to make him understand that I’m willing to do anything for him? “I know you hate yourself for what happened in the past and it upsets me that you feel that way, but people can change. I know people can change.” It’s strange how Shepherd holds so much confidence throughout the day but the moment it comes to times like this, he doubts himself constantly.
He squeezes my hand. “I sure as fuck hope you’re right,” he says as he leans into me, giving me a gentle kiss on the lips. He pulls me to him as he kisses me again. “Say we stopped running and everything was perfect, what would you do with your life?”
I think about it as I watch him. When I’m sitting on his lap, I’m taller than him so I have to look down, especially because he’s casually leaning back now. “Oh man… I guess go to college, but I’m not really sure what for. I always did really well academically, so I feel like I could do something. And I love working with computers… I don’t know. What about you?”
“My skills aren’t exactly something that’d help me in the office, so maybe something where I can use them. It’s laugh worthy but maybe law enforcement. Although, I’ve always been on the wrong side of the law, so I can’t imagine finding my way on the right side.”
“You never had much of a choice until now,” I remind him. “This will have to end someday, right? I mean, we’re not that important, so once my father sees that I’m not willing to just hand over his shit and Tony finds someone new to hate, they’ll forget about us, right?” I feel like I’m more hopeful than I should be.
But Shepherd nods. “Until then, we’ll just have to handle what’s happening.”
“I can handle it. You should have seen my gunslinging this morning. I gunslinged so well.”
“Did you?” he asks with clear mock shock on his face. “That’s weird how much of your book got read while you were out gunslinging all morning. I feel like you deserve a prize if you really worked that hard.”
“I worked extremely hard,” I say.
His fingers trail down my chest to my stomach, making me shiver. When a finger dips under my underwear, I realize he’s going to kill me. Literally kill me. His hand snakes over my underwear and cups my groin as I stare at him, unsure of what to say or do.
But I don’t want him to push himself or regret any of it. “Hey, you don’t need to do this… whatever this is. Unless you’re doing this as payback for me lying about practicing,” I say.
He gives me a wicked grin as he rubs me gently, and I realize he’s going to leave me hard as torture. But when he wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me up so I’m sitting on the edge of the hot tub, I reconsider what’s happening.
His fingers hook my wet underwear that’s sticking to my skin, so I grab his hands. “Wait.”
Shepherd hesitates as he looks up at me. “What’s wrong?” he asks. “I thought you wanted this?”
I want this so fucking bad. “I… do but I want to do what you want. I just told you I’m fine having no sex if it means being with you and I meant it.”
His hands slide down to my thighs, rubbing down them as he watches me. “I know. And that’s what made me decide that I really want to try to make this work. I’m not ready for sex, but I don’t mind making you feel good. I have to slowly rewrite the memories in some way, or they’ll never go away. So I’ll do what I feel comfortable with, okay?”
I nod. “But only if you’re sure.”
“I’m more than sure or I wouldn’t do it. I know how to say no and if I didn’t want to do it, I sure wouldn’t have initiated it,” he assures me as he pushes close to me and hooks my underwear with his fingers.