bouncing again. He had to stop staring. She rolled to her side, hair slipping over her forehead. “It’s more about personality and presence.”
Tony tipped Fireball off his lap and eased down beside her, so they lay together face-to-face. He didn’t touch her—not yet. But something about the way they fit together felt as intimate as if he’d reached out and skimmed her cheek with his palm.
“So what do you make of her comment about me not being her type?” he asked. “If Cal and I are identical, why is she married to him and not me?”
Kayla traced a fingertip over a seam in the pillowcase, not meeting his eyes. “Do you wish you’d married Jessi? Or anyone you’ve ever dated—is there one who got away?”
You.
Again with his goddamn subconscious interjecting itself where it wasn’t wanted. Where this couldn’t possibly go.
He took his time answering. “I don’t think I’d have been a good match for any of them. Not long-term.”
“That wasn’t the question.” Her gaze lifted to his and held fast, searing through his soul. “I’m asking what you wanted.”
Tony’s heartbeat thudded in his ears, a rush of noise and adrenaline like those first moments after leaping from the plane over some remote forest. He heard the rush of wind, felt the familiar sensation of free-falling.
“I want—” He started there, then stopped himself. There were a million ways he could answer that.
I want to know what a good, solid, healthy relationship feels like.
I want the kind of marriage where no one loses themselves.
I want to be someone’s safety instead of someone’s trap.
“I want—” Again, he couldn’t find a way to finish the sentence. Not without blurting a bunch of words he knew would change everything.
Because his want for her right now had nothing to do with sex and everything to do with forever. But that wasn’t something he knew how to do, and Kayla deserved better.
“I want—” He cleared his throat. “Oreos. Do we have Oreos?”
Kayla blinked. “Yeah. I think there’s still half a pack in the Jeep. Want me to run and get it?”
“No, I’ll go.” He was up and off the bed in seconds, almost like it was on fire.
Coward.
His subconscious screamed the word as Tony grabbed the room key off the dresser and made for the parking lot. He knew he had a few minutes, tops. Any more than that and Kayla would come looking, wondering what the hell had gotten into him.
He had his phone out and dialing in seconds, willing his brother to hurry up and answer.
“Yo.” Joel’s voice was way too cheerful for the conversation Tony needed to have.
“Has Mom called you?”
“What? Of course not. What the hell, Tony?”
He thought about lying. Pretending the whole thing was some sort of joke. But Dr. O’Toole’s words about honesty in relationships had gotten stuck in his head, and he heard himself blurting it out.
“She’s called me a few times.” He hesitated. “I haven’t answered, but I thought she might have called you first.”
“Uh, no. Haven’t heard a peep for years.”
Tony sighed, recognizing he owed his brother some explanation. “A long time ago, I told her not to call me ever again. Not unless she apologized to you. Or until she wanted help getting out of—out of her situation.” Which she didn’t seem to. He’d texted back only once on this trip, asking point-blank if she was ready to make amends with her youngest son. If she was ready to accept their help.
She’d never responded.
Not to that, though she’d kept up with a barrage of messages. Strange stuff about politics, plus some memes that made no sense. Weird, after years of no contact. Maybe she’d finally lost her mind.
“No,” Joel said softly. “I haven’t heard from her since that day.”
Tony took a shaky breath. “If something were wrong, I’d hear from Leo. If she were hurt or in trouble or—”
“Right. Yeah, of course. Did you try calling him?”
“I texted. He said he ran into her last week at the store and things seemed normal.” As normal as they ever were, which was relative. “He offered to go check on her.”
“Good. I guess that’s good.”
“Yeah.”
The silence stretched out for a bit. For an instant, he was a terrified teenager again. Joel’s breathing, rough and ragged, reminded him of that night so long ago.
“I’m sure it’s fine,” Tony said. “She’s had plenty of chances to change things.”
His brother was silent. “You ever think it’s not that simple?”
“What do you mean?”
“Just that I’ve done some reading about this stuff. Gaslighting, or