and it’s the first time I’ve ever felt the need to run for my life.”
Lori nodded and gestured over her shoulder with her thumb. “You may want to study the poster next to it, as well.”
I glanced back over at the wall, eying the CPR and Choking First Aid poster.
She smirked. “Just in case I’m inclined to strangle you before you can escape from the building.”
I chuckled. “Ten seconds.” The last commercial in the set ended, and I turned on the microphone. “Welcome back to Dr. Tough Love with my sidekick, Lori Martin.”
“Cohost.”
“I hope your morning is off to a great start. I’m on my second cup of coffee, which is a good thing, even though a mocha would have been much better.”
Lori sighed. “Are you still going on about that?”
“And I will continue to do so until I get a mocha from you.”
“You could buy your own, you know.”
“That would be much too easy. Hey, let’s take another call. What’s this?” I gestured to the monitor. “A rare female caller! Roll out the red carpet. Heather from Scripps Ranch, you’re on the air.”
“Hi, Dr. Tough Love. Hi, Lori.”
“Hi, Heather,” Lori answered. “What’s going on?”
“My boyfriend is a freak in the bed and I’m not talking about sex. In fact, he wants to do everything there except have sex.”
“Give us some examples,” I said.
“Okay . . . he watches TV in bed, eats pizza, works on his computer, plays video games, you name it. I think the bedroom should be used only for sleeping and intimate things. What do you think?”
I gestured to my sidekick. “Lori, your thoughts?”
She stared at me. “You want me to go first?”
“Sure. Why not?
I held up my fist. “If you say age before beauty, I’m going to tell you to stuff a sock in it, and I will gladly provide the sock.”
I frowned. “I must say, your words are rather hostile and hurtful.”
“You can’t be serious.”
I grinned. “Of course not. Answer the question.”
“Fine. Heather, you definitely have a problem with your boyfriend, but it’s something that can be easily fixed. I agree with you that the bedroom should be used for sleeping and intimacy, if you’re a sexually active couple.”
I took a sip of my cold, boring coffee, looking for some stimulating conversation. “And what would Lori Martin consider sexually active?”
“What do you mean?”
I shrugged, wondering if she really was going to talk to me about her sex life. “I don’t know, give me a number. Is sexually active three times a week? Twice a month? Once a year or maybe only on birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine’s Day?”
Lori thought about it. “Well, it depends on the couple and their ages, don’t you think? Three times a week may be a lot for people in their sixties, but perfectly normal for someone like you and me.”
I blinked.
Her face flushed.
That was unexpected.
Lori cleared her throat. “I mean, perfectly normal for anyone, not you and me, specifically or even vaguely.”
I swallowed hard. “Fair enough. Please continue.”
Lori gave me another one of those looks, like she was trying to figure me out.
Join the club.
“Anyway, Heather,” Lori said. “You need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend, outside of the bedroom, if possible. Tell him what’s on your mind, why it matters to you, and also let him know that it can be easily resolved. Now, if he reacts with defense, denial, or tries to deflect it back to you by mentioning one of your own bad habits, then you have a bigger problem. But my best advice is have a solution ready ahead of time. Don’t just complain and leave it at that. Have options available, other areas in the house for him to do those things you mentioned. And good luck!”
“Thanks so much, Lori. I also wanted to say that I loved your other show with the love songs and dedications.”
She smiled. “Thank you. I appreciate that.”
I shook my head. “Hold up, wait a minute, time to put some truth in it. Heather, don’t go anywhere.”
Lori took her eyes off the monitor and glanced back over to me. “What seems to be the problem?”
“The problem is, the advice you gave was absurd, anticlimactic, and if you asked me, not even close to realistic.”
“Maybe unrealistic from a caveman’s point of view, but we already know how you would have responded to her dilemma.”
I gestured to her with my hand. “Do tell.”
“You would’ve just spewed out two words.”
“And what are those two words, if you don’t mind me asking?”
Lori