settled for reading the transcription of his first voicemail as I sat cross-legged on the floor in my empty living room.
Kennedy. I’m so sorry. I talked to colon. I’m sassafras. I can’t be Steve I jumped to cupid inclusions. Please forgive me. Please hear meow.
Laughing to myself, I scanned the rest of the transcriptions and found them just as garbled. So, with a box of tissues in reach, I opened the app and played the first message.
“Kennedy.” Joe’s voice cracked. He sounded so wretched I started to cry. “I’m so sorry. I talked to Collin. I’m such an ass. I can’t believe I jumped to such a stupid conclusion. Please forgive me. Please hear me out.”
The message ended and I let out a long breath. Hearing his voice made me feel like coming home, but it also reminded me that on the worst day of my life, Joe told me I used people to get what I wanted. And then he called me a bitch.
“That’s what I get for planning a birthday party.”
The joke still wasn’t funny.
Instead of wry laughter, that ridiculous statement unlocked more tears. I broke into the box of tissues as I listened to the rest of his voicemails. Each one got longer than the last. More desperate. More emotional. By the time I finished listening to them all, my hands shook and my head hurt. As if my eyes weren’t swollen enough, I opened up my texts and dove in.
CaptainAsshole: I understand why you don’t want to talk to me, but I feel like such an asshole. I need to apologize.
CaptainAsshole: Please, just pick up the phone, Kennedy.
CaptainAsshole: I considered driving over to your apartment, but realized I don’t even know where you live.
CaptainAsshole: I’m so sorry. Please. Don’t walk away from this over a misunderstanding.
A misunderstanding? If he thought lashing out with the clear intention of hurting me counted as a misunderstanding, then we had more to overcome than I thought.
I carefully typed out a reply, then read and reread what I wrote. I rearranged sentences and added words, carefully pruning the message until I was sure it said what I wanted, then hit send.
Me: Sure, you misunderstood my intentions with Collin, but you also jumped to conclusions, refused to trust me, and said some pretty awful things. How do I know that won’t be a pattern for us, especially considering this isn’t the first time something like this happened? When I told you about the meeting with Ramsey, you said you thought it was a date. I offered to cancel. You told me to go, but still showed up anyway, proving you didn’t trust me and were willing to go too far to reassure yourself. I don’t know how to move forward after this.
Almost immediately, the bubble of bouncing lines appeared as Joe typed his response.
CaptainAsshole: Thank you for talking to me.
CaptainAsshole: And for the record, you’re not the one I don’t trust. It’s me. I’ve never been enough for people.
Me: I have to assume you’re talking about your childhood and I’d like to say I understand, but seeing as you’ve never opened up to me about what you lived through, I can’t.
CaptainAsshole: I told you more than I’ve told anyone about my life.
Me: That may be true, but it’s also not a lot to go on. You’ve never explained what happened to you. Just that you’re stronger for it.
CaptainAsshole: That’s the best thing I can say about any of it.
Me: And it’s a shitty excuse.
CaptainAsshole: It’s not an excuse. It’s the truth.
Me: But how am I supposed to make sense of that? How am I supposed to know when I’m getting close to a wound if I don’t know what they are? And since we’ve opened up the door to super honesty, I’m not sure you ARE stronger for it. It seems like you’ve pushed it all into the back of your mind and it’s this bomb of bitterness waiting to explode. You know, kind of like what just happened between us.
CaptainAsshole: What do you want me to do, Penny? Just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it.
Me: What I want is for you to trust me enough to plan a birthday party without assuming I’m cheating on you. I don’t think I should have to ask for that.
CaptainAsshole: So many people have used me to get to Collin. Yes, I’m gun shy. You would be too.
Me: See, I didn’t know that about you. I’m starting to think