was saying sometimes you have to go with the flow and he’s right. I am going with the flow and I’m enjoying it, and I think the part I’m feeling guilty about is that I don’t actually feel guilty about what I’m doing. I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah, girl, that makes total sense. I think you’re conflicted, right? Because you grew up in a religious household.”
“Yeah, I did.”
“And when you go through any sort of upbringing like that, you have one sort of belief system and you most probably feel like you’re being a bad person. I feel the same way sometimes.”
“But you’ve never even had sex, Sarah.”
“I know, but just in other things in my life, you know? It doesn’t make you a bad Christian just because you’re enjoying yourself.”
“I know. I just ...” I let out a sigh. “I just want to be a good person, you know? And I grew up thinking that sex was something that was just for marriage and that I should even wait until marriage, so the fact that I’ve already had premarital sex and with multiple guys already made me feel kind of bad, but you know, I sort of figured that out within myself. But now...” I closed my eyes. “I feel like I’m being so bad and so naughty and I’m loving it and I don’t feel that guilt about it. And I feel like I need to go to church and say like a dozen Hail Mary’s or something.”
“Girl, I understand. And I think that you just need to process everything and really think about it, you know? If you’re comfortable and you’re happy, then that’s the number one thing. You have to remember that this is a decision that will affect you for the rest of your life, right?”
“What, you mean if I hook up with both of them?”
“No,” she laughed. “I mean, that as well, you have to be okay with that, but I mean the decision who you choose for your life partner, you want that person to be compatible with you on every level, right?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“And sex is a big part of that.”
“Yeah, definitely.”
“So maybe you need to sleep with them before you commit. I mean, I know that sounds bad, but if the sex isn’t good do you really want to be stuck in a marriage with someone?”
“That’s true, I don’t, and it’s not like I would get married without having sex with them. I’m just saying these two guys, like they don’t even know about each other. Should I tell them? I don’t even know the protocol of this situation. Do I say, ‘Hey, I’m actually going on dates with other guys.’”
“Well, hold up a second,” Sarah interrupted me. “I thought that wasn’t going to be an issue because I thought you weren’t going to see Connor again.” She paused. “Though I guess you said he did ask you out on Christmas Day. What did you say to that?”
“I said okay,” I groaned. “I said okay. So yeah, I’m going to my family’s house on Christmas Day, then I’m going to go over to Connor’s and he’s going to drive me to some cabin a couple of hours upstate.”
“Uh oh.”
“And I’m spending the night with him.”
“Uh oh.”
“I know, girl. And the evening before I’m going to go over to Lucas’s penthouse in the city and ...”
“You’re spending the night with him.” Sarah finished my sentence, awe in her voice.
“Yeah, that’s the plan.”
“So you kind of know what that means, right?”
“I think I do know what that means.”
“I think you’ve already made your decision then girl, if you’ve said yes to both of them.”
“I have. I guess, I just don’t know how to feel about it, you know?”
“Girl, I’m going to give you a piece of advice that my grandma gave me a long time ago.”
“Oh yeah, what’s that?”
“She said ...”
“What did she say?”
“She said, ‘Life becomes more meaningful when you realize the simple fact that you’ll never get back the same moment twice.’”
“Oh wow. Yeah, that’s pretty deep. Hm, I’ve never thought about it that way.”
“Yeah, girl. I mean, honestly, every single second of your life is never going to be the same again. Every moment that happens, every question that’s asked, every person that you come across, you have that moment to do whatever’s going to happen. You have that moment to say whatever you want to say. How many times have people had a