a table. I noticed that he sat down without pulling out my chair; so much for his manners. Not that I should have been surprised. I would have been more surprised if he’d been a gentleman.
“So girl, what’d you want to drink?”
“You said we were getting wine?”
“I was thinking I’d get Guinness instead. You don’t drink Guinness?”
“No, I don’t really like Guinness.”
“Oh, I thought an Irish girl like you would love Guinness.”
“I’m sorry, what? I’m not Irish.” I frowned.
“Didn’t your profile say that you come from a big Irish family that loves to eat potatoes. That’s why I thought you were from Idaho or something.”
“You thought I was from Arkansas five minutes ago and my profile said nothing about being Irish. I’m actually from a big Greek family. Maybe you’re getting me confused with someone else.” I smiled weakly at him.
“Yeah. I guess that’s true. You know, all these chicks want to be on my dick.” He flexed his muscles and my jaw dropped. Had he really just said all these chicks want to be on my dick? Like that was funny and cool. Oh, there was just no way I was sitting through the rest of this date.
“You know what Mark. I don’t think that this is ...”
“I’m sorry, hold up Gemmmmmmma.”
“You don’t have to say my name like that. And I don’t think I am going to hold up, Mark.” I stood up.
“Dude, I’m just like messing around. It’s been a while since I’ve had a date and I just ...” He started talking quickly and spit was flying from his mouth and going everywhere.
“What do you mean it’s been a while since you had a date, you were just talking about the other girls you’re talking to and one who is supposedly from an Irish family.”
“Nah, she ain’t a girl I’ve met on this app. She’s a girl I met on Tinder.”
“Okay. And what makes that different?”
“Everyone knows that on Tinder. It’s just about meeting fuck buddies.” He shrugged. “ It’s not the same. So yeah, I got a bit confused with you and the other chick. I fucked her. And the morning after she was riding on my big dick, she was telling me about her big family in Idaho, like who gives a shit? Not me.”
“So then you’re telling me you’re just looking for sex?”
“No, I met you on a real app. I didn’t meet you on Tinder. If this was a Tinder date. Yep. You’d be back at my place already. And we’d be doing the dirty dirty.”
I pressed my lips together as I stared down at him. Was this man for real? This was like a bad joke. “Oh okay. So you’re not looking for sex on this app?” Not that I cared either way.
“Hey girl, sure. If that’s what you want. Of course, I’m willing to bang. I’m always looking to bang, but you’re a classy type of girl. You’re not on Tinder. Tinder girls are hoes and all they get is a big mac at Mickey D’s and some good loving. You’re a classy gal, I can tell. So you get the wine, you get the helicopter ride and then you get the banging. It’s all good. And if you’re lucky, maybe you’ll get a ring. How’s that song go again? The one that you chicks love?”
“What song?”
“If you like the pussy, then you should’ve put a ring on it.” He grinned and chuckled at his own joke. “That’s the name of the song right?”
I froze at his words. Was I on Candid Camera or something? This was the worst possible date I could have imagined in my life.
“You know what, Mark.” I shook my head. “I think I’m going to have to love you and leave you because this is not going to work out for me.”
“What’d you mean this is not going to work out for you.” He frowned. “I’m not good enough for you?”
“Frankly no, you’re not. You’ve been offensive since the second I walked in here, you didn’t know my name, you made a disparaging comment about my weight, you then said I’m from Arkansas, then you thought I was Irish, then you thought I was from Idaho. Now you’re telling me about Tinder girls that you’ve been banging and now you expect me to bang you too? Do you really think any of this is acceptable? Do you really think any girl would want to go on a date with you?”