It Sounded Better in My Head - Nina Kenwood Page 0,82
a little towards him, but he’s not looking at me, and I think he might be fighting back tears.
He fiddles with the water pistol for a second, and takes a deep breath. ‘Bye,’ he says, and starts to walk away, and maybe he wants me to yell ‘wait’ after him, but I don’t, because being the person who yells wait is vulnerable and desperate in a way I can’t afford to be, ever, even if it ruins everything.
It hurts more than I thought it would, watching him walk towards Vanessa’s car. Probably they’re going to have a big deep and meaningful conversation now, and all their old feelings will resurface, and it will all be my own fault, and I can’t even think about that.
Alex gets in the passenger side without hesitating, and that hurts too, because even though I refuse to run after him, I thought maybe he would run back to me and make a big romantic declaration. I want him to roll down the window and shout, ‘I’m in love with you.’ (No, I don’t, a public ‘I love you’ at high volume would be mortifying.)
Instead, there’s nothing, and I have no idea what to do.
32
A Likeable Face
When I walk back to the lounge room, Zach isn’t there. I look in at my bedroom and see him curled up beside Lucy. His eyes are open, and we stare at each other for a few seconds.
‘You should have told us you were applying interstate,’ I whisper, so as not to wake Lucy, who is definitely snoring now and looks so firmly asleep she probably wouldn’t wake up if I blared a horn in her ear.
‘I did tell you,’ Zach says, at almost normal volume.
Lucy doesn’t stir.
‘But you implied that you had no chance, that you didn’t have the right marks. You never made it seem like something that would never actually happen.’
‘Well, that’s what I thought. Anyway, you should have told me about Alex,’ he says.
‘Not the same.’
‘How is it not the same?’
‘The Alex thing just happened. I didn’t plan it. I didn’t even have time to tell you.’
‘And I didn’t think I would get into medicine anywhere. I didn’t want to think about it because I knew if I got in, I probably wouldn’t go because it would be too hard to leave Lucy. And you. And my family.’
‘But you are leaving,’ I say, and I sit down on the end of the bed.
‘Yes. I think so. I am.’
‘So it’s not that hard, after all.’ I can’t resist the urge to be mean.
‘That’s not fair.’ He closes his eyes.
I sigh. ‘You’re right. I take it back.’ I crawl up the bed and squeeze next to him, staring at the ceiling.
‘I’m proud of you,’ I say eventually.
‘Thank you.’
‘Leaving is brave.’
‘It’s scary.’
‘But exciting.’
‘It feels like I’m choosing a career over my relationship and friendships and family. I don’t even know if I want to be a doctor enough to give up all the things I have here.’
‘We’re not going anywhere.’
‘It won’t be the same. Especially for me and Lucy. What are we going to do, be in a long-distance relationship for six years?’
‘Well, it’s only an hour-and-a-half flight, you could see each other every month, maybe even more than that, and on holidays…’ It’s my job to show Zach how this can work, even though in my heart of hearts, I’m not sure it can.
‘And we just keep doing that for years on end?’ he says.
‘Maybe Lucy could transfer to a uni in Adelaide.’
‘I don’t want her to have to do that. I don’t want to hold her back from her life here. We can’t live in limbo for years.’
‘Well…’ I don’t know any more options. ‘It might not work out then.’ I feel sick, like I am betraying both of them by saying it out loud.
‘I don’t want to break up with her. Ever,’ he says.
‘But you want to be a doctor.’
‘Yeah.’
‘And you’ve accepted the offer, haven’t you?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then you’ve made your decision.’
‘I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do.’
‘It is,’ I say.
‘How do you know?’
‘Because it’s what you want.’
He looks at me, and I elbow him gently. ‘We’ll survive without you,’ I say.
‘How could you possibly survive without me?’
‘We’ll carry a cardboard cutout of your face around with us.’
‘And get tattoos of my name.’
‘Of course.’
He sighs and puts both hands over his face. I think for a second he’s crying, but then he takes them away and looks at me, and he’s dry-eyed.