It Sounded Better in My Head - Nina Kenwood Page 0,81

it was a mistake,’ Zach says, grabbing another piece of chocolate.

‘And what happened?’ I ask.

‘She got really drunk and we had a fight.’

‘She told you about the…the thing?’ I say, not wanting to expose Lucy’s secret in front of Alex and Vanessa.

‘Yes.’

‘Were you mad?’

‘No! Sort of. I don’t know.’ He rubs a hand over his face.

‘Why was your phone dead?’ I feel irrationally angry about this.

‘Because I lost my charger.’

‘How do you lose a charger?’

‘Why are you acting like I’m the bad guy?’ Zach says.

‘Because you are!’

‘Right. Everything is my fault.’

‘Not everything. But some things. Most things, actually.’

‘That’s not fair.’

I can see Vanessa and Alex exchanging uncomfortable this-is-awkward looks, but I don’t care.

‘Why were you fighting?’ I ask.

‘Because.’

‘Because why?’

Zach doesn’t answer.

‘Because Zach has something else to tell you,’ Alex says.

‘What do you mean?’

Zach glares at Alex, and then he turns to me. ‘What I haven’t told you yet is that as well as getting into science at Melbourne, I got an offer from interstate. Medicine at the University of Adelaide.’

‘Oh, my god. Oh, my god. You got into medicine? Zach! This is huge.’

‘I know. I think I’m going to take it.’

‘Of course you should take it.’

‘But I’ll have to move to Adelaide.’

‘I didn’t even know you had applied to Adelaide.’ I feel like crying, suddenly. We were all supposed to go to uni together, I want to scream. What about The Plan? First my parents, then Lucy, now Zach. I want a ban on all secrets going forward. Everyone has to sign a contract stating they’ll clear every decision with me for the rest of their lives, and I don’t even care if that makes me sound like a dictator, because it’s a small price to pay to be in control of everyone and everything.

‘I told you I applied all over the country. But I didn’t think I would get in anywhere,’ Zach says.

‘But you did.’ I am so happy for him, and so furious at him.

‘But I did.’

‘I think I should leave,’ Vanessa says suddenly.

‘Me too,’ Alex says, but he looks at me as he says it, with a question in his eyes.

‘You should,’ I say, because I’m still mad at him. Or, I still want him to think I am mad at him.

‘Do you want a lift home?’ Vanessa says to Alex, and then she looks at me, uncertain, regretful, and mouths, ‘Is that okay?’

I nod.

Alex hesitates and looks at me as well. He came here and sat on my veranda and waited for me. He must have something to say to me. If he leaves, in this moment, it feels like it will be the end of us.

‘Are you sure you want me to go?’ he says. I have the urge to get a tissue and wipe all the zinc off his face.

No, I am not sure. I want you to stay. Here. In my bed. I want you to do that nice thing where you stroke my arms again, and I want you to apologise first.

‘Yes,’ I say, because if there is one thing I know for certain about myself, it is my unfailing ability to ruin my own happiness.

I walk them both to the door. I feel like I should hug Vanessa, even though I’m not a hugger, because we’ve been through a lot tonight, but if I hug her, I might have to hug Alex as well.

I will cry if I hug him.

‘Thank you,’ I say to Vanessa.

‘That’s okay,’ she says.

We smile at each other, and I kind of half pat her shoulder, which is weird, but she seems to accept it as a gesture of thanks.

She walks out to her car, and gets in, and leaves Alex and me alone together on the doorstep.

‘What did you come here for?’ I ask him. We’re standing close to one another.

‘To check that you got home okay,’ he says, looking at his feet and then up at me. I meet his eyes for a second before looking away.

‘Well, I did,’ I say.

He starts to say something else, but stops, and turns like he’s going to walk away. Then he turns back.

‘I told my parents today. About losing my job,’ he says, quietly.

‘How did they take it?’ I say.

‘They were okay. Sort of. On the surface supportive, but underneath I think they’re panicking. Zach is going to be a doctor, and their first born is a failure and all that.’

‘You’re not a failure,’ I say. I really do want to hug him, but I don’t. I lean