It Sounded Better in My Head - Nina Kenwood Page 0,6

of Accutane, a range of topical lotions and finding the right brand of the pill, my skin is a thousand times better than it was. These days, I usually have no pimples at all and, at worst, there are only one or two, plus the scarring I cover up with foundation. I have lots of deep, irreparable scarring on my back, where the acne was the very worst (I don’t wear backless tops, bikinis or strapless dresses) but, all in all, my skin situation went from life-destroying to manageable to good. I forget that, though. I still think from the life-destroying perspective.

Years ago, when I was hiding in a toilet cubicle checking my face, I overheard Heather Hamilton, the girl in my year level with the most Instagram followers of anyone I know in real life, say, offhandedly, ‘You know, if it wasn’t for her terrible skin and her big nose, Natalie could be pretty,’ and a few girls said, ‘Oh yeah, you’re right!’ as though she’d discovered something profound. I don’t care what Heather Hamilton thinks about anything, but I did care what she thought about me in that moment, because it confirmed everything I thought about myself. If it wasn’t for my skin…everything might have been so different. I could have been someone who was confident, taking perfect selfies, going to parties, auditioning for plays, maybe even a minor YouTube celebrity…I could have been so much better. I was fourteen when Heather said that, and I still think about it. I wonder if I will think about it for the rest of my life.

(The nose I can live with. Big noses are artistic. But the world has assured me only villains and losers have acne.)

‘Let’s watch a movie,’ Owen says.

‘We were about to play a game,’ Zach says, which is a lie, but only half a lie, because in truth playing board games is how we spend a lot of our time. Zach doesn’t like Owen. I’m not even sure he likes Alex that much.

‘Cool. What game?’ Owen seems genuinely interested in hanging out with us. Alex looks less interested, but he’s not protesting.

Lucy makes quick eye contact with me. I can tell by her face that we’re both thinking the same thing: since when have Alex and his friends ever shown any interest in spending time with us? Maybe now we’ve finished high school, we’re automatically cooler. We’re giving off the sophisticated, worldly vibe of adults. Or maybe they’re just really bored.

‘We’re playing Resistance,’ Zach says.

‘Can you teach us?’ Owen asks, looking at Lucy and me.

‘It’ll take too long,’ Zach says.

‘No, it won’t. It’s easy to learn,’ Lucy says. A series of looks have been passing between her and Zach as they argue with their eyes.

‘I’ll show you,’ I say.

Owen and Alex listen as I run through the rules, holding my hand up to silence Zach when he tries to interrupt me. Zach is a stickler for following a game’s exact rules and explaining every detail.

‘Okay, we’ve got it,’ says Alex, who is lying on his stomach on the couch, resting his head on a cushion. I try to look at his eyes without being obvious. Is he stoned? Maybe. He’s certainly eating a lot of our Tim Tams.

‘We have too many people. It’s better if you have three or four,’ Zach says.

‘You sit out then,’ Alex says.

‘Fuck off.’

Zach and his brothers regularly swear and yell at each other with affection. I think it’s affection, anyway. Siblings, especially brothers, confuse me. They can go from talking to wrestling in two seconds flat. I come from a family that has excitedly sat around and listened to the Hamilton musical soundtrack after dinner on a Friday night. We enjoy nature documentaries. We get excited about buying stationery. We keep our phones on silent, all of the time. I don’t know what to do with all the noise, the energy, the physicality of Zach’s family.

‘Lucy and I will be on one team, and you three on the other,’ I say.

‘You seem very confident,’ Alex says.

‘You’ll see,’ Lucy says.

They do see. Lucy and I win easily. Zach is grumpy, because Owen doesn’t understand the rules and Alex doesn’t care enough to try. Zach doesn’t like losing, but he especially doesn’t like losing through the incompetence of his fellow team members.

‘Okay, another round, but we change up the teams this time,’ Zach says.

Zach and Lucy team up, and I join Owen and Alex. I excuse myself to go to the bathroom and