to face his fears and get out on his own even though it’s going to be hard. And you’re choosing to remain here focused on caring for him instead of living your life.”
“Well, you’re one to talk!”
I frowned. “This isn’t about me.”
“Oh no?” Her eyes took on a shrewd look. “What really happened with Meg Sawyer, Noah?”
“Stop it.”
“And don’t give me any nonsense about not wanting to be anyone’s boyfriend. You’re in love with her, and you know it! And you’ve been miserable since she left. So why did you push her away?”
“It’s none of your business,” I snapped.
“My children are always my business,” she snapped right back. “And like it or not, I’m your mother. I know you. And I know what you’re doing. I’ve always known.”
“What are you talking about?”
She moved closer to me, pointing a finger. “You’re afraid to let yourself be happy because you feel so bad about the gifts God gave you. I saw it when you were a kid and I see it now. But it’s not right, Noah. You need to stop blaming yourself.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” But my heart was pumping hard, and I raised my voice. Her words were a little too close to home. “All I’m doing is trying to help Asher, and trying to honor my promise to Dad. Before he died, he told me not to let you run yourself into the ground caring for everyone but yourself. He made me promise I’d see to it that you got on with your life.”
“Well, you know what he said about you?”
I said nothing, my chest tight with anger, my breath coming hard and fast.
“He said to me, Carol, don’t let that boy suffer all his life. Don’t let him punish himself for things that were in God’s hands. Tell him he deserves to be happy.”
“I am happy!” I roared, although I knew how ridiculous it sounded. “And I don’t need you or Meg or Asher or Nina or Chris or even Dad’s ghost breathing down my neck telling me I’m not!”
I turned and headed for the front door. I didn’t need to listen to this. Here I was trying to do something for Asher, and somehow she’d turned it around on me. How come every time I tried to do the right thing, it fucking backfired on me?
At home, I took Renzo for a fast-paced walk to work off a little steam. My blood was boiling.
How dare she? I thought to myself with every angry stride. How dare she throw my dad’s last words about me in my face? She was the one who needed to change the way she thought, not me! I’d never been so furious in all my life.
I was mad at my parents for knowing me so well, for being able to somehow read my thoughts and feelings. Had I been so transparent?
I was mad at my mom for her incessant nagging about my personal life. Would she ever get off my back and leave me alone?
I was mad at my dad for dying and leaving me to fill his shoes.
I was mad at Nina and Chris, for getting everything so right and making it look so easy.
I was mad at Meg, for making me fall in love with her, making me trust her, and calling me out on my bullshit.
I was mad at myself, for fucking up at every turn, for failing and hurting people I loved, for being unable to find a way out of the mess I’d made.
The only person I wasn’t angry with was Asher. I’d let him down tonight, but I wouldn’t give up. In my mind I saw his face when I’d left his room earlier tonight, after saying I didn’t know what to do to make it right with Meg. The certainty in his eyes as he’d said, I think you do.
When I’d looped the block, I stood in my yard, looking up at the dark October sky, and begged the stars for answers.
They were bright and beautiful and infinite.
But they were silent.
Thirty
Noah
The next night, I stopped by Chris and Nina’s house after work. It was a Sunday evening, and they were busy getting the kids ready for bed. Chris had Ethan in the tub in one bathroom, Violet and Harrison were spitting water at each other while brushing their teeth in another, and Nina was holding the baby in one arm and trying to pack school lunches for tomorrow with the other.