This morning, I’d felt almost embarrassed by the things I’d told her. I’d never let anyone know how guilty I’d always felt about Asher. How guilty I’d always feel. Men weren’t supposed to talk about shit like their feelings, especially those that made them feel bad. Men were supposed to be stoic and resolute. Masculinity, in my mind anyway, meant strength and courage and commanding respect. Your psychological burdens were your own to bear.
But it had felt so good to share mine with her. And she’d accepted that part of me, just like she’d accepted the part of me that needed to get angry. I’d once been a dick to Holly after a bad day like that, and she’d burst into tears and told me I was being emotionally abusive. I wound up comforting her. Meg let me get it out, and then she gave me a blowjob.
(No contest there. Meg wins.)
God, she was perfect. Gorgeous and sexy and funny and smart and kind. Accepting and compassionate. Feisty and sweet. I wanted to make her happy, wanted to be that guy who would fight for her, the one who kept her safe and made her laugh and gave her orgasms every night. The thought of some other asshole touching her made my fists clench and my jaw get tight.
But I couldn’t be the one. I just couldn’t.
And she didn’t want me to be. I was fun on the side, not the real thing. She was all set to go back to DC in a few days, back to her important job and fast-paced life and a city full of guys in fancy suits with law degrees and leather briefcases. It was what she wanted.
As for me, I’d have to be content with that one incredible week we shared before she met the love of her life.
Although he’d never love her better than me. Never.
I swallowed hard as the urge to put my first through a brick wall slammed hard into my gut. I couldn’t think like that. I couldn’t wonder about the future, the real one or the one I refused to let myself imagine. Because it wouldn’t do any good.
I had a couple more days with her, and that would be that.
I’d get over her eventually.
I had no choice.
“Hi, handsome.”
I smiled and leaned back against the counter. “Is that how you answer all your calls?”
“No. Just yours.”
“How was your day?”
“Good. I went shopping and had lunch with April and Sylvia, then I took run. Now I’m about to get in the shower.”
I groaned. “Don’t say that stuff to me. I get ideas.”
She laughed. “Sorry. Are we still on for tonight?”
“Actually, that’s what I called about. I’m sorry, but I have to cancel.”
“Oh no! I hope everything is okay.”
“Everything is fine. My sister had her baby, so my mom—” I had to hold the phone away from my ear because she squealed so loud. “Jesus.”
“Sorry,” she said breathlessly. “It’s just so exciting. A new baby! What did she have?”
“A girl. They named her Rosie.” I was proud I remembered that detail.
“So cute! How much did she weigh?”
“Uh . . . I didn’t ask.”
“Does she have hair?”
I tried to recall if I could tell from the photo, but she’d been wearing a hat. “Didn’t ask that either.”
Meg sighed. “Men.”
“I’ll try to get more details from my mom when I see her. I’m staying with Asher tonight so she can help out at Chris and Nina’s.”
“Of course,” she said.
“I’d rather be with you.”
“It’s okay, Noah. I completely understand, and I’m so happy for Nina and Chris. For all of you.”
“I know, but I hate that I won’t see you tonight. You’re only here a couple more days.”
“Don’t worry about it.” She sounded totally nonchalant, like it didn’t matter to her at all. “We can hang out tomorrow. There’s something I want to talk to you about.”
“Okay,” I said. “I’ll give you a call in the morning.”
“Sounds good. If you talk to your sister, tell her I said congratulations.”
“I will. Bye.”
“Bye.”
We hung up, and for a moment I continued to stare at the phone screen, wondering why it bothered me that she didn’t seem to care whether or not she saw me tonight. Or maybe it was that I cared so much. What was it going to be like when she left?
I decided it was a good thing that my mother had called. The last thing I needed was to get used to her. If you