what he was saying about me in those letters. Part of me welcomed the pain. You were right, I was torturing myself. I read every letter. Some of them I read twice. I gave myself those nightmares so I wouldn’t forget her.”
Shiloh lifted her head and sat up astride me. There was still plenty of sadness in those pastel eyes but there was something new and it looked a hell of a lot like hope. Her hands went to my chest for balance and mine went to her thighs pressing tightly against my hips. I said nothing as her gaze roamed my face. I stayed silent when she brought her right hand up and traced my jaw with her fingertips, then my lips, then over my stubble until she cupped my cheek like I did with her.
So fucking sweet.
“I know you won’t agree with this because you love me. But if you think about it logically, like the warfighter you are, you’ll understand. I didn’t have all the information about Simon Abbot.” With the mention of that asshole’s name, my muscles tightened and I braced. “Information my team could’ve used. We would’ve responded differently if we’d known where his head was at. His mother was at the end stages of her illness, he was facing going back to prison, and knowing that, he was playing out a fucked-up scenario of suicide by cop. We might have been able to save Penelope from going down if we’d known. We didn’t. And then I used Penelope’s death as a reminder of how fragile life is. How important it is I’m the best I can be at my job. I didn’t do that in a healthy way. I did it ugly, and twisted her murder into my personal failure. But the thing is, when there is loss of life, when we lose a hostage or an innocent civilian dies, it is a failure. And it has to be viewed as such so we can learn from it. I failed. My team failed. A young, beautiful, sweet girl with a bright future paid for that failure.”
Most of what Shiloh said was good, she was untwisting shit in her mind. But she was still wrong.
“I get you.” I gave her thighs a squeeze and continued. “And you’re correct; each mission, each call out, every new situation is an opportunity to learn. What went right. What went wrong. And what adjustments need to be made. But, baby, they’re only failures if your team doesn’t learn from them. You cannot control every outcome. Your team cannot predict what a suspect is going to do with a hundred percent accuracy, a hundred percent of the time. It’s just not possible. And if you keep looking at them as failures, keeping track in your head, and ticking a column every time you’re called out, you’re going to actually fail. You won’t be effective. You’ll second-guess yourself, you’ll second-guess your team, and someone will get hurt because instead of following your instincts you’ll be too busy overthinking the ending. The other option is you’ll become ineffective in a different way, and you’ll go off the reservation and become a maverick. And that only has one ending—your death.”
Shiloh’s gaze stayed glued to mine and I hoped to God she heard the last part. I’d seen it happen in the Navy. The heavy load of losing teammates. The feeling of failure that turns into a burn that leads a man astray. Helplessness that turns into a suicide mission to right perceived failures.
“I wish I had you when she died.”
Christ, that felt good.
“I was struggling,” she admitted. “I should’ve reached out to my brothers.”
There it was.
“Yeah, baby, you should’ve. Asking for guidance and wisdom is a sign of strength. But that’s in the past, too. Moving on from here, you’ll remember turning to those who love you is not weakness it’s the ultimate show of trust and love.”
“What?”
“Shiloh, we all see it. We all know you got it going on, girl. You’re tough, you’re competent at your job, in your life. You got mad skills. We see it, we know it. So when a woman like you who’s taken life by the balls, earned her place among the best, reaches out, it shows you trust the person you’re reaching out to. You seeking their wisdom means you respect their opinion. It also shows your trust is shrouded in love.”
Her head dropped forward and her eyes drifted closed.