was debatable after I held Shiloh while she exhausted herself sobbing in my arms—witnessing her pain and despair—if I’d have it in me to leave the motherfucker breathing.
So, I was out. Echo was out. Gordy was out. I had other options. My brothers would take my back, they’d go have a word and make sure Clive Hutchinson understood he was never to reach out to Shiloh again. I could make the letters stop.
But I couldn’t make Shiloh heal. She had to do that for herself and the first step in that was admitting she did not earn the shit Hutchinson was shoveling.
Which meant she had to be the one who made him stop.
I didn’t like this. I wanted to protect Shiloh. I wanted to stand between her and anything that would cause her harm. But I knew better. She’d twist my protection into something ugly. The irony of the situation was she wasn’t strong enough to accept my help. She would view that as being weak instead of realizing it takes more strength to allow someone to help you than it does to push them away.
“Did you turn off the oven?” Shiloh asked groggily.
I smiled, something I didn’t think I’d do with the memory of her tears fresh in my mind.
“Yeah, babe, I put dinner in the fridge, too. You hungry?”
“Did you eat?” she returned instead of answering.
“No.”
I heard Shiloh sigh and she burrowed closer.
“You missed dinner because you didn’t want to leave me,” she said conversationally.
Shiloh was correct, therefore I didn’t find it necessary to confirm. I liked her close, I liked what it said and I liked her turning to me for comfort. But I was uneasy about where her head was at after what happened.
“Don’t get it.”
The words were whisper-soft and even though her cheek was resting on my chest, her chin was tipped back, and her statement was uttered against the skin under my jaw I could barely hear her.
“Get what?”
“Why you don’t leave me.”
Before I could get a handle on my rising irritation she went on. Which only made it worse.
“I’m so fucked-up I’m a basket case. My job calls me out all hours of the night, it interrupts dinner, and it interferes with plans. I’m a total bitch. I pull away and hide because I’m a chickenshit. I mean, aren’t you fed up with my shit yet?”
I took a moment to take a deep breath, then I exhaled and took another one. After the fourth one, I realized deep breathing wasn’t going to work. Not this time. I also realized that the only way to get through to Shiloh was to say it straight.
So that was what I did and I pulled no punches.
“You love your job,” I started with the obvious. “If you didn’t, you being called out in the middle of the night and rolling out of bed would seriously suck. If you didn’t, you getting a call out while we’re in the middle of eating dinner would get old. But you love what you do and I’d be a fucking dick if I complained about something that’s important to you. I’m proud of the job you do. I’m proud knowing my woman rolls out of our bed, kits up, and goes out to protect and serve.”
“But—”
“No buts, baby. That’s it. I’m proud of you. Period. Now, we’ve discussed you pulling your frosty bitch routine. I know why you were doing it, you admitted you know why you do it, and we’ve moved on from that. And, Shiloh, as much as I love you and will stand next to you and help you through the rest of the junk polluting your head I won’t allow you to keep dragging this shit back up. You explained, apologized, I told you I understood, and even though there was nothing to forgive I gave you that anyway.”
“You love me?” she whispered.
“Crazy in love with you.”
I felt Shiloh go solid. Her hand resting on my chest glided down and curled around my ribs and her fingers dug in.
“Why?”
“Baby, look at me.”
I waited for what seemed like an eternity until she tipped her head back and caught my gaze.
“Why wouldn’t I love you?”
Her eyes flared and the rest of the mask I hadn’t realized she was still holding onto shattered. I watched it happen—all pretense fell away, and before me was the little girl whose mom left when she could no longer deal with the life she’d created. That being a life where she’d hooked her star