had to get rid of these thoughts. She had to get the itch off her skin.
Mary Katherine drove to Doug’s house, checking for deer the whole way. She parked in front. Before she could get out of the car, he appeared on the porch. He walked over to the car in a robe and snow boots, the frost on the lawn crunching with each step.
“What the hell are you doing, Mary Katherine?”
“Let’s go inside.”
“Are you crazy? My parents would hear us. What’s going on?”
“I need your help, Doug. Pray with me.”
“About what?”
“Just pray with me. Please.”
“Okay,” he said.
Mary Katherine opened the door. Doug got in and shivered. The two clasped hands and closed their eyes in prayer. Mary Katherine wanted to speak. She wanted to tell him about the itch on her skin and all of her impure thoughts, but she couldn’t. She knew to speak it is to think it and to think it is to do it, and to do it is to hit a deer and spend eternity in Hell.
But Doug’s hands felt so warm.
And he smelled so good.
“What are you doing, Mary Katherine?” Doug asked.
Mary Katherine opened her eyes and realized she had reached under Doug’s seat and slid it all the way back to make room for herself in front of him. She got on her knees and parted his robe. Mary Katherine reached for his boxers and slid them down his body. She looked down and saw it. She had never seen one before. Not in person. Only drawings in health class.
But there it was.
“What are you doing?” he asked quietly.
She didn’t say a word because she had no words. Just the heat on her body and the itch and the shame that felt so terribly bad in the best kind of way. Mary Katherine slowly moved her hand to Doug. Stop. It’s a test. She touched it. To think it is to do it. She started moving her five itching fingers up and down. So you may as well do it. Up and down. Up and down. She couldn’t believe this was happening. She didn’t know what was possessing her. But she wanted it. She wanted him to grab her. And be a man already. Just be a God damn man already, Doug. He looked over at his house. The lights turned on.
“Oh, God. My mother is awake,” he said.
But Mary Katherine didn’t stop. She put Doug into her mouth. He was hard as a diamond. The itching stopped. The voices stopped. The words stopped. She didn’t know what to do with it other than hold it in her mouth. But it didn’t seem to matter. Within three seconds, he pulled out, and he finished all over her sweater.
They were both silent.
She looked up at Doug, who was filled with desire and disgust, shame and confusion. The look on his face horrified her. She realized that in that moment, Doug had no idea who she was. Neither did she. He pulled up his underwear and closed his robe.
“I have to go,” he said.
He got out of the car and ran back to his house. Mary Katherine didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t believe what just happened. Her grandmother had given her that white sweater. For her sixteenth birthday. Her grandmother was dead now. Her grandmother could see what she had just done. So could Jesus. The sweater was dirty now. She was dirty. Like Debbie Dunham or any other girl at school. Her face was flush with shame. She looked back at the house as Doug walked through the front door without turning around to wave goodbye.
Mary Katherine drove away.
She turned on the radio to distract herself. The radio was set to her mother’s favorite religious station. The priest told Mary Katherine that Jesus loved her and would wash away her sins. The sins of sex. The sins of adultery. She changed the channel. Every station spoke of God. God was watching her. God could see everything.
A deer ran in front of her car.
Mary Katherine hit the brakes and skidded. The deer looked right into the headlights and froze. Mary Katherine screamed. The deer came closer and closer into the headlights.
“PLEASE, GOD! NO!” she screamed.
The car stopped an inch from the deer.
Mary Katherine looked through the windshield. The deer stared at her. The deer was soon joined by a doe. And a fawn. It was a little family like Mary and Joseph after the manger. Mary Katherine’s heart raced. If she hit