to things and partly because I wanted to see if she was prettier than me. I sat on the couch nervously, holding Comet like a hostage.
At ten a.m. she walked in. She was tall, but not as tall as me, with long brown hair and crazy eyes. Her eyes looked like she was trying to move things with her mind at all times.
She walked straight past me.
I hung on to Comet like I was an insecure adoptive mother, prepping him to meet his birth mother. “I raised you! I cared for you when she didn’t want you!”
I told myself, Laura, calm down, this is your house. You live here now. She wanted to meet you. She’s going to be nice.
“Rudolf, dear, make me some tea.”
She stalked back into the living room and sat directly across from me, still frozen on the couch. She targeted her crazy eyes at my soul.
“So, Laura. Will I ever get to see what Rudolf sees in you?”
What? I didn’t know how to respond to that. I didn’t know how to do this! I composed myself and willed myself to answer the question. Show her who’s boss, Laura.
“Probably not.”
Damn it! Not a great answer. She looked smug as she decided I was an idiot.
Rudolf walked in with the tea. I gave him a look that said spill that fucking tea on her. Then he handed her the tea. Come on, Rudolf. Whose team are you on?
She sipped some tea, pinky out, ready to jab someone in the eye with all that class.
“It’s hot,” she complained.
“It’s tea.”
I laughed. Because I laugh when I’m uncomfortable out of my mind. She glared at me, as if I had just laughed at her funeral and she was deciding the best way to haunt me for the rest of my life.
I clarified, “Tea is supposed to be hot.”
She put her cup down.
“Laura, are you accusing me of not knowing what tea is?”
The crazy eyes looked like they were trying to telepathically slam my body against a wall. “Do you THINK I don’t know what TEA is?” she repeated.
“I . . .” I looked at Rudolf. He was sweating, speechless, not expecting this to have gone so badly. Poor Rudolf expected the best from both of us. But really, WHO WOULD HAVE EXPECTED that a current girlfriend meeting an ex-girlfriend could have been tense? *millions of hands raise*
“Laura knows you know what tea is, Sugar! It’s dried leaves steeped in—” Rudolf stammered.
“I have to go.” I stood up. I ran like I always do. I didn’t know how to talk to her. I knew how to escape. I went straight to my sister’s house. Oh God, Rudolf and Sugar were going to exchange Comet every two weeks.
Two weeks later I was out at a café with my sister. Rudolf called to say that Sugar was coming over to get Comet again, and that I should stay out for thirty more minutes if I didn’t want to run into her. I said okay, thanks for letting me know, and hung up the phone.
My sister stared at me. “Let’s go.”
“Why the hell would we ever do that?”
“I want to meet the bitch who made my sister cry.” And she was off walking toward my apartment. I followed her.
We waited on the porch steps, and my anxiety was increasing. I didn’t want this. Nope nope nope. Colleen, on the other hand, was psyching herself up like a boxer before a prizefight.
“Can we go, please?”
But it was too late. Sugar stalked up the walkway, glaring at me with the anger of a thousand rich white ladies demanding to speak to the manager.
“Hello, Laura.”
I ignored her.
She got louder. “Hello, LAURA—”
Colleen popped up and said “Hi, I’m Colleen,” in what I’m sure she imagined to be a very menacing tone. To anyone else, she sounded friendly. Sugar smiled and shook her hand.
“Finally, someone with some class.”
Colleen looked at me and used her pants to wipe off the hand Sugar had touched.
Rudolf was walking over to us from his car. When he saw all three of us on the porch, he moved his legs much faster. Sugar broke the silence.
“Rudolf, why did you invite me over when this stupid bitch was here?”
That was IT. NO ONE calls me a stupid bitch except me to myself in the mirror.
“You need to get the fuck out of my apartment now!” I yelled.
Rudolf was sprinting over at this point. She looked at me with her crazy eyes. Classic Sugar. However, she took