says, sauntering over, looking Briony and Lucia up and down.
“Please show these customers around. They want to see the whole shop. The whole shop,” I add for emphasis, and I see Stacey’s sharp eyes receive the message.
“Sure thing. Let’s start with glassware; that’s at the back of the shop….” she says, leading them away.
I grab my coat from behind the cash desk, pick up my bag, and hurry outside into the wintry street, almost bumping into Gingerbread Jake.
“Jake,” I say breathlessly. “I have to go. Take over. Please?”
“Fine,” he says, looking taken aback. “Go. Do what you have to do.” He hesitates, then adds, “You OK?”
“Of course I’m OK, why shouldn’t I be?” I retort, and Jake gives me an odd look.
“Well, you’re crying.”
I’m crying? I reach up in shock and feel the streams of tears, wet on my cheeks.
“Busted.” I manage to grin, rubbing at my face. “I’m not really OK. But I just have to…I have to do this thing.”
Jake lifts a hand in its gingerbread glove and squeezes my shoulder, tight.
“Go for it,” he says. And I nod gratefully, before turning and breaking into a run.
* * *
—
The journey is at once too long and too short. As I arrive at Seb’s office, I feel almost sick with nerves. But the thought of Briony crashing into the most sensitive part of Seb’s life makes me feel even sicker, so I steel myself and march in.
“Hi,” I say to the receptionist without preamble. “I need to see Seb. It’s urgent.”
There must be something about my face, because she hesitates, then gets up and knocks on his door, and within thirty seconds he’s coming out himself. And my legs weaken underneath me because I can’t cope with this. I thought I could, but I can’t.
I was hoping I’d see him and think, Ah, he’s not so great after all, but it’s the opposite. He’s as tall and strong and handsome as ever, his woodland eyes wary as they meet mine. I have that weird thought, just as I did in the coffee shop when I first saw him: I know you.
But I can’t know him, can I? Or I’d know why we’ve ended up like this, meeting like two stilted strangers. Didn’t he feel what I was feeling? Didn’t he feel the joy? What happened between us—what happened?
My head is tumbling with anguish, with questions…but somehow I force myself to focus. I can’t keep tormenting myself. He’s with Briony. It’s over. It’s done. You can’t go back in time and do life a different way.
And, anyway, I’m not here because of us. I’m here because of him.
“Hi, Seb,” I say, and my voice trembles, but I carry on resolutely. “There’s something…Could we talk?”
“Of course,” says Seb, after a pause. “Come on in.”
He ushers me in and I sit down and for a beat there’s silence.
“Are you…How are you?” says Seb, and I can see by the way he’s sitting bolt upright, his hands making a tense pyramid on his desk, that he’s thrown off-balance.
“Fine, thanks. You?”
“Yes, I’m good.”
“Good.”
The air seems thin between us. Our words are thin. I don’t know how to proceed, how to bring up the subject. But I need to—it’s in me like a ticking time bomb—so in the end I just blurt out:
“James.”
“What?” Seb jolts as though I’ve scalded him.
“You…you never told me about James.”
I’m thinking that maybe Seb can tell me about his brother and we can move on to the subject that way—but it doesn’t work. Seb’s body language immediately crackles with tension.
“Told you about him? Why should I tell you about him?”
“No!” I backtrack. “No reason. I just meant…” I rub my nose, trying to find a different tack. “You always say that you’ve moved on and you’ve dealt with his death and you’re at peace.”
“Yes,” says Seb, his voice dangerously even. “I have. And I am. Your point is?”
“You say that clearing out his room isn’t a big deal. You say you ‘just haven’t got round to it.’ But I wondered…” I swallow several times. “I just wondered…if maybe it was quite a big deal. After all. And if you’d like some help. That’s all. That’s what I— That’s it.”
I break off into a terrible silence. Seb looks as though some sort of volcano is building inside, and I stare at him, in agonized, half-terrified dread.
“You just can’t leave things alone, can you?” he finally erupts in an explosion of fury. “You have to ‘fix’ them. Jeez, I