I Know Your Secret - Ruth Heald Page 0,39

week.’

‘It’s too early, Richard. I’ve put up lots of adverts, contacted colleagues for referrals, but nothing’s come to anything yet.’

‘So no new clients?’

I shake my head. ‘It takes time to build up a business.’

‘It does, Beth. I know that. I’ve built my counselling practice over many years. And I had my teaching to supplement my income. In comparison you’re just starting out.’

‘I know.’ I’ve only had one enquiry since I started advertising, and they’ve decided not to proceed because of the cost. And now I’ve lost Danielle as a client too.

‘I didn’t think you’d be able to pay the mortgage. And with the amount of stress you’re under, maybe it’s not a good idea to be taking on more clients for the moment.’

I know he’s thinking of the empty vodka bottle by the sofa the other day. The one I don’t even remember drinking.

‘I’m not that stressed,’ I say. Although I can’t see any way I can find enough new clients.

‘OK. Well, just make sure you keep an eye on your mental health. You know how vulnerable you are.’

I nod.

‘Did you ever get to the bottom of how Charlie got those bruises?’

‘No. He won’t tell me anything.’

‘I’ll see if I can get anything out of him when we have some time together.’

‘Thanks.’

Richard stands and I see him staring intently at the side table, at the row of photos. He goes over and picks one up. My heart stops. It’s the picture of Nick. I want to tear it out of Richard’s hands, stop him touching it. It’s all I have left of him.

‘Why have you put this up?’ he asks.

‘Why shouldn’t I?’

He sighs. ‘You know it’s not good for you. To get stuck in the past.’

‘Put it back,’ I say, snatching it from his hands.

‘Beth.’ He puts his hand on my shoulder and I shrug it off. ‘Is this why you were drinking the other night? Were you thinking of Nick?’

‘No, I—’ But I can’t explain. I can’t even remember.

‘You get lost in grief when you think about him. I thought you’d got over it when you were my student. I thought you’d dealt with all that before you qualified as a therapist.’

‘I don’t think I’ll ever get over Nick,’ I say quietly.

‘I was worried about you when I saw the empty bottle.’

‘I’m fine, Richard.’

‘Do you drink like that when you’re looking after Charlie?’

‘No, of course not. It was my one night off. It’s not surprising I let my hair down a bit, is it? It’s not like I get the chance every day.’

‘No, I suppose not. You’re OK, aren’t you? Still taking your antidepressants?’

‘It’s none of your business, but yes, I am.’

‘Remember, I know you, Beth. I know what you were like before. When you were obsessed with Nick. When you couldn’t put his death behind you. It was unhealthy.’

‘I wish he was still alive,’ I say quietly. ‘Maybe I’d still be with him now.’

He sighs. ‘And we wouldn’t have met? Our relationship wasn’t a mistake, we just grew apart.’

I laugh bitterly. He’s composed our split into a neat little narrative, an unfortunate but inevitable occurrence.

‘We didn’t grow apart! You cheated on me.’

‘I don’t think that was the problem. Just a symptom that things weren’t right between us.’

‘Save your therapy for your clients.’

‘Are you seeing a therapist yourself, Beth? Perhaps you should think about it. It’s a difficult time for you.’ His voice is gentle, as if I’m an awkward client.

‘Because of you!’ I’m shouting now, and I feel guilty as I think of Charlie upstairs. ‘It’s difficult because of you. Because you left. And besides, I’m coping just fine. Me and Charlie are fine without you. In fact, I think we’re both happier without you dragging us down.’

He nods, my words bouncing off him as if they don’t mean a thing. He doesn’t believe me; he knows he has hurt me. And I can see now that he doesn’t care.

I put the picture back down, moving it until it’s perfectly in line with the others. ‘Nick was the one for me,’ I say. ‘I told you that when I first met you. You persuaded me that you could replace him. But the connection I had with Nick was special. No one could replace him.’

I can’t read the expression on his face. At first I think he’s jealous, as I intended, but then I realise that he just feels pity.

‘I worry about you,’ he says. ‘That was one of the reasons I found it so hard to leave you.