winter break. That I remember.
The back of my mouth waters, and I can’t tell if the idea of holding a cold drink in my hand is making me thirsty or ill. I want it and I don’t want it all at once. I don’t even like drinking that much, not past the first few sips when the booze still tastes like possibility and the promise of escape. New night, new faces, new Anna. It’s always a letdown. The next morning, I’m always the same. I kept it together enough to keep my grades up. Get into a decent college. But those last few months of senior year … I tell myself that’s why I’m here. I have something better to do this summer, someone better to become. Still, the night’s damp heat and the empty hours yawning before me make my palms itch at my sides, my lips turn dry.
I rummage in my bag for my phone, something to keep my hands busy. Mistake. I have three new messages from Kaylee since we got back from the beach, and I still haven’t responded to her texts from yesterday. I sigh and type out a quick reply, something about how busy my job is keeping me and how much I miss her. I promise to call soon, then sign off with a beach umbrella emoji.
I know she’s going to be pissed; it’s a bullshit reply. But I can’t get sucked into Kaylee’s drama right now, no matter how much I miss her. I need to learn how to be by myself, give this new, better Anna a shot. A girl who can spend a quiet summer evening by the pool with a paperback or sketchbook for company. A girl who doesn’t need guys to buy her drinks, doesn’t need to drink at all.
My phone rings, and I brace myself for Kaylee’s rancor. But it’s not Kaylee.
“Hi, Mom.”
“So you are alive.”
“I just got here yesterday. I was going to call this weekend.” It’s distinctly unlike my mom to act, well, this maternal. She’s never been the “call me when you get there” type.
“I got you that new phone for a reason.”
“I know.”
“You can come home. If you change your mind.”
“I’m fine,” I assure her. “It’s really nice here. Paisley’s cute, the Bellamys are nice. I’ve got this.” My voice is filled with conviction. Fake it till you make it.
“I’m sure you do. It’s not that I don’t trust you, Anna.”
“What is it then?” But as soon as the words are out of my mouth, I get it. This is my first time away from home. The first time she’s had to worry. She probably should have done some worrying when I was still in Brooklyn, but at the end of the night, I always came home. She’s known about New Paltz for a while now, but I kind of sprang this job on her. I didn’t give her much time to mentally prepare.
“I’m sorry,” I say before she has a chance to respond. “I’ll try to call more.”
“You really like it there? In Herron Mills?”
“Yeah, it’s great. I’m going to save a lot for the fall. Me being here, this is a good thing, Mom.”
She sighs. “I’m sure it is, doll. I just miss you.”
I listen to a story about one of her coworkers at the lab, then promise to text her pictures from Clovelly Cottage and the beach. When we hang up, I lean my head back against the recliner and let the fading light wash over my skin. The back of the house faces west, and the sun is the same brilliant orange orb behind the tree line it was at this time yesterday. It’s beautiful. I tell myself to relax, focus on the girl I want to be. Just breathe.
4 NOW
August
Pathways Juvenile Center, East New York, Brooklyn
“GIRL, YOU ARE DAMN LUCKY.”
“Um, hi?”
“I cannot believe they’ve got you at Pathways. When Ryan Denny’s grow house got busted sophomore year, they held him at fucking Rikers.”
On the other end of the line, Anna lets Kaylee’s words sink in. She adjusts the phone’s sticky plastic receiver against her ear and glances at the guard stationed down the hall. Watching. Over the past two weeks, she’s rarely considered herself lucky. She’s back in Brooklyn, but this place could be anywhere. She’s never felt so far from home.
“Yeah, lucky me.” Anna shifts her weight, left foot, then right, and her Pathways-assigned sneakers squish against the concrete floor.
That night with Detective Holloway and AD Massey