I Have Lived and I Have Loved - Willow Winters Page 0,88

Ryan down by his locker.” I didn’t know if they understood me, I spoke in such a rush. But I couldn’t take the dead jokes. It was too fresh, too raw.

She told me to remember her, to cherish her, and then let her go. But she was making that difficult. I could still feel her around me. Maybe she wanted to comfort me, apologize . . . I didn’t know, but I did not want to hear it. Not right then. It was Ryan’s night.

“Mackenzie!”

I heard Nick yell my name, but I pushed past them.

Fuck.

He was standing between Erin and Stephanie Witts, both girls I knew would love to be with Ryan. And there I was, literally running away from a ghost that was in my own head. This wasn’t Supernatural. I wasn’t a medium. Willow didn’t exist.

There, Willow! I half-shouted to her in my head, but half-whispered because I still didn’t want to hear her response. You don’t exist. I’ve analyzed myself and decided—you are dead. Make all the fucking jokes you want. I didn’t want to actually hear them.

Going through the doors and into the emptied hallway, I curled my hands into tight fists, waiting for her response. It never came, and slowly, as I approached Ryan’s locker, I unclenched my fingers.

I didn’t feel her either. She had gone away once more.

Feeling lighter, since she wasn’t sitting on my shoulders, I slid down to the floor. My back was to Ryan’s locker, and I pulled my knees up, hugging them to my chest.

I clasped my eyes tight, pressing my forehead to the back of my knees.

Even then, I wanted her gone. I wanted all of this out of my head, but I also didn’t. I felt less crazy than a few days ago, but I was still halfway crazy. Or one-third crazy. Once that healed, would she really be gone then?

“Planning world domination?”

I started to laugh, lifting my head. My laughter died when I saw Erin standing over me. “You.”

She laughed, shaking her head before holding her hands up. “Look. I’ve given up. I’m laying my flag down, and I think I’ve done that a few times. You don’t have to keep with the hostility.”

I sighed. I was already so tired of this conversation. “What do you want, Erin?” Because there was an agenda. She was just one of those people.

“Okay. Fair enough.” Her hands went back to her side and then she crossed them over her chest. “Look, I never went after your sister, and we both know I could’ve. You mentioned her twice, and Peach explained.” Her head inclined. “She explained better how you and Ryan got to be so close. I get it. I honestly do. He understands your pain, like you understand his.” Her top lip curled in a small sneer. She kept going, sounding bitter. “Grief is a great foundation for a relationship, but whatever. I’m not the one fuckin—”

“Get to the point.”

If she didn’t, I was getting to my point where I’d get to my feet and we’d have a confrontation of a different sort. Maybe. Most likely. Probably not. I’d throw insults at her and leave once I thought I’d given her my best zinger.

Since my physical visit from Willow, the fight in me had dwindled. It might take a bit more to tap into it, but I knew it was there. A good well of craziness.

“—tonight at the party, okay?”

I had tuned her out.

Oh yes, I was such an ace fighter. I got so bored, I only thought I might want to fight her.

“What’d you say?”

“Were you listening at all?”

“No.”

“Nice. I’m trying to do you a solid, and you aren’t even listening.”

A second sigh from me, and I leaned my head back against the locker. “I’ll listen now. What were you saying before?”

She looked at the floor. “That friend of Ryan’s who died?”

“Yeah?” My gut twisted in a knot. I didn’t think I was going to like what I was about to hear . . .

She looked up, flicking away a solitary tear. “He was my boyfriend.”

“Wait.” So that meant—

She was already there. “That’s why Ryan and I dated briefly. It wasn’t long, and to be honest, it was more just messing around because we both missed him so much. I’d been with Derek for two years when it happened.”

It made sense, why Erin was around so much.

“I couldn’t figure out why they let you hang out with them,” I mused to myself. “I thought it was only because of