I Have Lived and I Have Loved - Willow Winters Page 0,72

for me in the front of the school the next morning.

He had texted earlier to see if I needed a ride, but I’d said no.

“Okay, honey.” My mom put the car in park. Her eyes looked past me to where Ryan was waiting, and she sighed. “That’s Ryan?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s handsome, isn’t he?”

“Mom!” The back of my neck got hot.

She grinned, ducking her head. “What? I have eyes. I’m not blind.” She bit her lip and narrowed her eyes. “Have you guys been sexually active since that first time?”

Yep. My neck was definitely burning up. “You’re killing me here.”

She rolled her eyes, tsking me under her breath. “You’re so dramatic.” Her grin softened. “Keep it up. I know Willow would be ecstatic for you.”

“Mom.” I looked down at my lap, tugging at my backpack’s strap.

Why’d she have to bring Willow up? All it brought was different feelings, the twisty and angsty ones.

“But I mean it, no more sex.”

She was trying to be stern, and she was serious about the sex, but I could tell part of her was trying to move on. There was no real oomph behind her words. I’d still been awake when my dad got home last night, and I heard them talking for hours after that. When Robbie had started tossing back and forth, I’d shut my bedroom door and turned on my fan to drown out the last murmurings. I was able to sleep after that, and I was pretty sure my mom had been sporting a little glow this morning at breakfast.

There was a bit of a spark in her, but she couldn’t entirely mask the big hole that was still there. I saw it, because I felt it too. We all did. Robbie had it in his eyes.

“Mackenzie.”

She’d been waiting for a reply from me.

I blinked a couple times. “What?”

“Tell me you aren’t going to have sex again.”

“Ever?” I reached for the door handle.

“Ever.”

I began to edge out of the vehicle. “Come on, Mom. You know I can’t promise that.”

She frowned. “Mackenzie! Don’t you shut that door before—”

I shut it, bent, and waved at her with a bright smile plastered on my face. “Love you, Mom. Be safe. Have fun with Robbie.”

“Mackenzie!” she shouted again, but I was hurrying across the sidewalk and lawn toward Ryan.

He grinned as I joined him to walk toward the doors. A bunch of students were lingering out front. Most seemed to be talking, but a few were riding skateboards up and down the main sidewalk in front of the school.

I didn’t usually enter the school this way. The parking lot was in the back, so I knew that side would be three times as busy, but this still seemed too busy for the conversation I knew Ryan was waiting to have.

This conversation was the real reason I’d stayed awake as long as I did.

Ryan stopped to lean against the building and nodded at my mom as she pulled away from the curb. “Your mom isn’t working?”

“Robbie’s home, so she took time off. She asked this morning if she could drive me in.”

He nodded. “You need a ride home then?” He shifted, turning to face me and resting his shoulder against the school’s brick exterior.

This felt weird, and I frowned.

“What?” He straightened, but the movement drew him even closer.

My backpack hung behind me, and I fiddled with the strap like I had been in the car. I fingered the shredded ends and, without thinking about it, began shredding more of it.

“I got your text last night.”

He grunted. “Which one? I sent you four.”

“All of them.”

He was silent a moment. “I see.”

No. No, he didn’t. He was guarded, and I could only guess as to the reason, but I knew he had no clue what was going on with me.

I took a breath because I needed some extra air. “You don’t know. You don’t see everything. I got your text, and I . . .” How could I explain this? I didn’t even know if there were words. I had to try. “I’m reserving the right to respond.”

His eyebrows went up. “Say what?”

I flushed, feeling the heat scorch my cheeks. “You told me the L word, and I was ecstatic to read that, but it wasn’t fair. I’m . . . I’m behind you.”

His hand rested on the wall, and he moved forward, leaning over me, and I moved so my back was against the brick. I gulped, my throat and mouth suddenly dry. His hazel eyes locked on mine, starting