I Have Lived and I Have Loved - Willow Winters Page 0,63

so embarrassing.”

“Why?”

People were trying to press around us. One guy cursed at us, then saw me and coughed to cover it up. “Sorry. Hey, Mackenzie.” He was gone before I could say anything, but I could see the back of his neck turning red.

“See? DJ Reynolds has no idea who I am. That would not have happened with me.” She pointed in the direction he went.

“No, I’m not. I’m . . .” Damaged. Broken. Half-dead. Having sex—make that I had sex. Once. I was sexually experienced, kind of. “This is not normal me. Trust me. Normal me is not popular. Normal me . . .” I hesitated, but normal me was like Cora. Somewhat.

Everyone likes you, Mac. Get over yourself. You never have to try for anything.

Willow had said to me the day we found out we were moving. I flinched when I remembered.

She had been so wrong. She was the one everyone liked. Even my two best friends had dropped me because they missed her so much. Didn’t she get that? Had she really not gotten that? She was the star.

I looked away. “Normal me was invisible. Trust me.”

I was wrong. I hadn’t been like Cora. She cared the way Willow cared, but Willow had succeeded. She’d thrived with the social hierarchy stuff.

I needed to stop thinking about Willow.

I felt her snort and thought to her, Sorry, but you make me slightly deranged.

Only slightly?

Cora and I needed to get moving. The next bell would ring soon, and I clamped on to her arm. She was watching me with her head tilted to the side, but I wanted to make sure she heard me.

“I lost my sister. My brother moved to a different school, and I found out last night that my dad is leaving our family. If I could switch places with you, I would. I’m not saying you don’t have problems or struggles. Everyone does, but I’m saying rethink what you want. If you want to be popular so much, forget it. It isn’t worth it.”

She looked down, but I heard her say, “It isn’t worth it to you.”

“It isn’t worth it to anyone.”

That would be utopia. If everyone was kind, if everyone was worthy. If there were no hatred, pain, or suffering. If people couldn’t see someone’s skin color, quality of their clothes, where they lived. If nothing mattered except the heart and mind.

I wanted to live in a world like that. I could almost taste it, I wanted it so bad.

I gentled my tone, “If I’m popular, then trust me. I’m miserable. You aren’t. I’ve seen you with the guys.”

The second bell rang.

I was late, but as I turned down the empty hallway, which was thankfully empty, I looked back. Cora hadn’t moved, her back toward me.

Hope fluttered in my chest. It was small, but it was there.

A fourth piece inside me found the other three. They fit the right way.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Cora acted differently the rest of the day. I don’t know why it made me feel good, but it did. We went to lunch with everyone else, taking seats in the booth next to the guys. When Erin and her friends came over, Cora didn’t react like she normally did. She didn’t get all nervous. She didn’t start fidgeting. She didn’t jump when Erin said hello.

She was cool. There was a confidence radiating from her, and I knew the guys took note. Erin too, with a slight frown as she went back to her table of friends. The guys kept sneaking looks at Cora on the way back, and for the rest of the day.

I wasn’t sure if Ryan noticed anything. He was more perceptive than people realized. He just hid it better.

Kirk nudged my shoulder in our seventh period.

“What?”

He pointed his pencil at Cora, who was filling out the worksheet we’d all gotten. “What’s going on with her?”

As if hearing him—and she might’ve—she straightened, holding her head high. If she’d been wearing a crown, it would have remained firmly in place, not like the other times when she’d duck her head or hunch her shoulders.

I almost smiled with pride, but I shrugged instead. “I don’t know. She looks sexier than normal, doesn’t she?”

Ryan glanced at me, a strange look on his face.

But Kirk was studying Cora, and he nodded. “Yeah. She does.” A mystified expression flitted over his face. He nodded again. “Yeah.”

He grabbed his worksheet and bag and left our table. Sliding into the seat next to Cora, he nudged her arm.

I felt