I Have Lived and I Have Loved - Willow Winters Page 0,46

side to side.

I couldn’t talk about her. I just couldn’t.

“What was your sister like?”

He cared and thought he was doing the right thing. At least, that was what I told myself.

It so wasn’t the right thing though.

I turned, not caring about anything except avoiding talking about her, and grabbed him. I pulled him down on top of me, finding his mouth with mine.

I was desperate for it.

I was desperate for hi—no. I had to be honest, at least with myself. I was using him. There. I admitted it. I did care for Ryan, and maybe there were real emotions underneath all the craziness inside me, but I wasn’t in touch with them right at the moment.

He could chase her away; he was the only thing that worked.

“Ryan,” I breathed, opening my mouth under his, coaxing.

“Mac?”

God.

I normally loved hearing her nickname from him, but not tonight.

I sat up, still kissing him, and feeling something rising in me—something reckless, something wild, something intoxicating—I took my shirt off. I didn’t sleep with a bra on, so as soon as my shirt was off, his hand was on my breast.

Yes.

That helped.

She was fading. I could feel her go.

“Are you—”

I shook my head, my mouth finding his again. I didn’t care if I was coming across frenzied and desperate. It was how I felt, but the throbbing for him had started too. I . . . I stopped thinking. That was the only way she’d completely leave, and tonight, I didn’t care how far we had to go for that to happen.

I wanted him, and that ache grew more and more fervent.

I gasped.

“Shit, Mackenzie,” he growled, pushing me back down and looming over me. He was panting, but he fitted himself between my legs.

I could feel him through his boxer briefs, through my pajama shorts. I reached down, grabbed his hips, and jerked him close.

Right there.

I felt him where I needed him, and I began grinding against him. He moved with me, his hands growing more sure, more demanding, more rough. My frenzied need stirred the same emotion in him, and he was crushing me, getting as close as he could.

I could feel him press into me.

Move his briefs aside, my shorts aside, and we’d be one.

My mind had stopped working.

I no longer knew why he wasn’t in me already.

My mouth opened beneath his, and reaching down, I touched him.

He cursed, shoving against my hand. He broke his mouth from mine. “You sure?” he rasped next to my ear and then lifted to peer at me through the darkness.

I nodded.

I had a small window of sanity, but I was ready. We were going there anyway. Willow was making me crazy, but yes. I was sure.

“I’m on the pill.”

He reached up, brushed some of my hair away from my forehead. “You are?”

Another searing pain in my chest. “Willow had sex last year with Duke. We both went on the pill once our mom found out.”

Good old Wills. My mouth turned down, and his thumb fell to my lip, rubbing it out.

“I have condoms,” he whispered. “We’ll be safe.”

I nodded.

Take a goddamn breath, Mac. Fuck’s sakes. Think about this. This is major. S-E-X, the big sex here. He’s the guy you want?

I almost cried out, hearing her concern, and why the fuck was my mind working again? My mind wasn’t supposed to be on her, but I listened to her question and focused on him.

I focused on Ryan.

I was a virgin. Was he the guy? And suddenly, I felt Willow leaving again. She was fading and taking all the pain, all the anger with her until it was only me lying in his arms.

The answer bloomed in my chest, and I nodded.

I was ready. I did want this, and with no one else except him.

“Yes,” I almost whispered the word.

I wanted nothing more, and it wasn’t tainted by the pain of my sister. It was pure, rooted in the feelings I did have for Ryan.

“Please.”

His eyes darkened, and that was all he needed. He bent down, his mouth finding mine again.

Yes.

Chapter Nineteen

I had sex.

I did it. That particular first in my life was done, and I was happy about who it was with. Under the seven layers of my emotional shit, there were real feelings for Ryan. I mean, I knew myself. I wasn’t so damaged by WWD (what Willow did) that I was completely screwed up and would lose my virginity to some asshole.

Ryan was the right guy. I didn’t know what was in the future—I