I Have Lived and I Have Loved - Willow Winters Page 0,45

Ryan asked. “Are they checking in with her enough?”

I almost cursed. What was he doing?

“I suppose. It was her twin. I’d imagine they worry about her the most.” A second later, he added, “Why? Are they not?”

“No. I don’t know.”

“You’re friends, aren’t you? You’re acting weird, Ryan. What’s going on with you?”

“No. I know. I mean, I’m not. Yeah, we’re friends. She’s in our group with all of us.”

“She and Cora are friends then?”

“Uh.” Ryan sounded so stiff, like he had a stick up his ass. “They’re both the girls in our group. It’d be weird if they weren’t.”

“You’re still being weird.”

“It’s in the middle of the night. What do you expect? Peach woke us up with a blood-curdling scream.”

“Yeah.” His dad sighed. “You’re right. All right. Listen, go to bed. Maybe I’ll ask Phillip if they want to come over for dinner sometime. Would you like that? Have your friend over for a meal with the ’rents?”

“Sure. Yeah. Sounds good.”

Again, I wanted to smack him. He could’ve discouraged that in two seconds.

“Okay, son.” A thump on his back. “Try to get some sleep. I love you, Ry.”

“Love you, Dad.”

One shadow entered the room, the door clicked shut, and soft footfalls moved back down the hallway. I waited for Ryan to come back to the bed, but he didn’t move.

“Mackenzie?” he whispered, half-hissing. “You here?”

I could stay under the bed. He’d assume I slipped out, went home, and I could haunt him the way Willow continued to haunt me. But that wasn’t nice, and he wasn’t the person I wanted to get back at.

I crawled back out from under his bed. “You were having a nice chat with your pops there.” I stood, sliding back into the bed.

He came over and reached for the covers. “What could I do? If I acted weird, he might’ve thought something was off.”

“He did think you were acting weird.”

He shrugged. “Normal is easier said than done. I kept thinking, Whoa shit! I got a hot chick in my room somewhere, and they can’t find out, and whoa shit, whoa shit, whoa shit!”

I laughed, lying back down in his bed. “I got it. I’d be weird too.”

He gazed down at me. “You aren’t normally pissy with me. You mad about something else?” Waiting a beat, he added, “He brought up your family.”

My throat burned, his words echoing in my head. “I didn’t know they’d been going to see Robbie four times a week.”

“They didn’t tell you?”

I shook my head.

“Your brother didn’t say anything?”

Another head shake.

I was barely home, and if I was, it wasn’t for long or I wasn’t alone. I had no clue they were driving to see Robbie. A part of me was glad, thankful they checked in on him, but another part of me ached with jealousy.

I was there. I was in their house, and I struggled every day to say something.

My parents weren’t evil. They didn’t mean to forget about me because they didn’t love me, but I fully believed they didn’t want to see me.

They saw her when they saw me.

So, I stayed away. Hell, I didn’t even enjoy looking in the mirror myself.

My eyes were hers. My hair. My body. I’d lost weight, losing the healthy weight I held with those Cheetos. The more I dreamed about her, the more she talked to me, the more she haunted me—I was becoming Willow.

If I took her place, would they mourn Mackenzie? Maybe that would be easier for them.

“If they do the dinner, we can have everyone crash it.”

I laughed lightly, my body curving toward Ryan’s. “They’d love that, actually.”

“Your parents?”

“No, the guys.” The guys included me and Cora.

After the night of apologies a month or so ago, I’d gone to school the next day, and they’d all walked next to me like I was one of them. That was how it had become. I considered Tom, Nick, Kirk, and Cora friends as well.

A hand touched my cheek, and I started as Ryan brushed away one of my tears.

God. I brushed at it, and then the rest. My whole face was like a waterfall.

I groaned, turning and pressing my face into his pillow.

“Hey.” His voice was so soothing, so kind, it almost broke me again. He straightened some of my hair and then smoothed his hand down my back. He shifted, lying on his side. He continued rubbing my back, and his voice came from above my head. “You never actually talk about her, you know?”

I shook my head, rotating from